Jealousy.

Every Tom, Dick and Harry...ok really more like Gertha, Bertha and Glenda (old lady Mom names??) told me about all of the horrors of breast feeding, midnight (2,3,4,5am) wake ups, spit up and just exactly how to have my baby (in GREAT detail) but for some reason they all left out the hardest part of having a new baby. Marriage. Each woman I talked to shared with me just how sweet and earth shattering is was to see her husband holding their new baby, that her love for him only grew. I agree...to a point. Watching Charlie cuddle Nolie and sing to her and swing her around (even if he knows it will cause an epic spit up) does make my heart swell to a level that it had never experience before. But, yep, BUT I do think that in the short couple of months that we have been parents together I have also experienced a new facet of 'marriage is hard work'. Whether it be in the wee hours of the morning when he can sleep through cries and snorts that cause me to jump out of bed wide awake. Or the 'first smile' that he missed because his eyes were stuck to the screen (watching LOST I think). We love differently, parent differently and it is hard to reconcile that it is OK to be different in this. It is hard when I get jealous that he gets to go to work (he is a janitor...I should NOT be jealous), I don't actually want to go to work but I want to get up and get dressed in nice clothes and put on make up. But it isn't worth it. My clothes would have to get washed umpteen more times than they already do and I won't waste make up if I am not leaving the house...that stuff is expensive (stupid Clinique). It is hard when I realize that even though I love martinis and spicy food my baby does not and I have to adjust my diet accordingly. While Charlie can eat and drink whatever he likes. This list of jealousies and stupid annoyances could go on and on but the part that tipped me over the edge and into 'marriage is hard work' territory is that after all this it 'us' left neglected. My attention isn't always on Charlie anymore. Gone are the days of laying in bed late at night watching LOST again and again to try and 'solve' it, sleep is a commodity and I will give up most anything for it. Our trips to the coffee shop are spent passing Nolie back and forth and talking about how cute it is to watch her eyes refocus each time on the others face. We aren't discussing every intricacies of our days and feeling that connection over americanos (me) and hot chocolate (him), we discus the minutia of poop consistency and frequency. And it leaves him feeling neglected and jealous of our ten week old. Marriage gets harder when you introduce a little buggle who needs and needs all of the time. I think I realized this change at about week four of Nolie era, up until that we were just on a sleep deprived cloud of 'look she blew a bubble' and 'oh what a cute little pooter'. But, around week four we realized that the attention had shifted and we hadn't talked and done the 'stay up till four to work it out' ritual in a long time (were not alone are we? If we have a fight, of almost any proportion we stay up and talk until its worked out, and often times that is roughly four...AM). It takes work to talk in super whispers (or 'yell' in super whispers) while the baby very lightly sleeps on your shoulder. It takes even more work to make time any sort of one-on-one attention because that means sleep loss. Our marriage has always taken work (talk to me about this if you think I am kidding, the whole 'honeymoon period' I am not much of a believer in). But the type of work is new, and honestly I like this type better. It is less self centered and more relationship centered now. We are learning to be parents together while still attempting to meet each others needs. And, seriously... HARD WORK. I won't lie and say 'i love every minute of it' but, it is getting easier and benefits are becoming more and more obvious. Also, just a note (because I am reading Exodus). God being jealous of our time and attention like I am of Charlies...blows my mind. Nolie is making Gods heart as a parent more and more incredible and obvious and my desire for every bit of Charlies affection makes me want to give God more of my time so he won't be jealous like I am. I don't think I am expressing this part very clearly...but suffice to say- I am getting a clearer picture of Gods love through my new family. And it makes the struggle so much sweeter.

Here is our little family on Nolie's nearly one month birthday.

So Beautiful.

I want a print of this to hang in my home.

It would make a perfect valentines gift I think...

10lbs 10oz of pure fury!

Must Have Baby List

Couldn't live without list:
Diapers
Detergent
Boobs
Bakka's Old Rocking Chairs
Arms

"I was a perfect parent, until I had kids." I have heard this statement so, so many times and I didn't get it until this week. This week it hit me that all of the decisions we made while I was pregnant we are now having to put into action and the brunt of that work falls on me. A lot of the decisions we made had to do with purchases. We didn't buy a lot of the typical baby stuff, mainly because we couldn't afford it. But also because I figured if my Mom didn't need it, I wouldn't either (although, my Mom is WAY better at all the Momming stuff than I am!). One purchase that we didn't made shocked alot of people (the hospital didn't know what to do with us 'what do you mean you can't carry her out in her car seat????') we decided to not get a carrier car seat, this was for a variety of reasons, the main one being that it really makes me uncomfortable how much we put babies in containers (car seat, bouncer, swing, bumbo seat, etc.). I wanted to hold my baby and keep her close to me and encourage as much natural muscle development as I could (and save some serious money too!). Now, that decision is being put to the test. As a consequence of this choice we don't have any baby containers. We have a crib and a pack n' play (because if I lay her on the Ottoman she will roll off...trust me I now know this) and a stroller, otherwise we don't have any thing to put her into. I have to say, this is one of the hardest and best choices we made. Not having the option of putting her into a swing (that is far more consistent than me) to go to sleep or not taking her out of the car seat because she fell asleep are making me so much more in tune with her ques and needs (not that you aren't in tune if you use a carrier, I just wouldn't be, I am super lazy when given the choice). I feel like because I am the means to put her to sleep, make her entertained and keep her stimulated I am learning so much more about her. I can recognize what she needs and do it. Also, I don't have to rely on any one thing to put her to sleep. My inconsistent arms and old rocking chair do the trick (and when those fail my boobs are always a fall back). I wanted to write a post about the 'things we couldn't live without' because everyone does that around two months and I stalked those blog lists and wanted to buy everything they recommended. But this blog is to let you know that the only things we couldn't live without are boobs and diapers (ps. cloth diapering is going SO WELL!). Otherwise, she showers with me (or us sometimes) every night, she gets rocked to sleep in my arms or Charlies, she is entertained by (up to an hour sometimes) just laying in her crib or pack n' play looking at shadows and Mama moving around the kitchen. I don't use a boppy for nursing, and I think my arms are getting buff thanks to that! She will fall asleep after we take her out of her car seat and seems to like being wrapped to us (moby and sling) far more than sleeping in her seat. She sits up when she is propped up by me (sitting on my lap) and has never been in a swing or bumbo to try sitting any other way. Also I think I am seeing the benefits of these choices, developmentally. She is rolling over, at 9 weeks....I wish she weren't. There are plenty of other choices that we made prior to having Nolie that are proving MUCH harder to keep up with (feeding on demand, not letting her cry, talking to her about where we are going and what we are doing (trust, I feel dumb doing it but it calms her down SO FAST). Those pieces are harder, because there isn't accountablity, who's to know if I let her wait a few minutes longer to eat because I want to finish looking at pictures on facebook, or let her cry a minute longer than I need to in her crib because I want to finish the blog I am reading? Those are the hard ones, containers are ones I can check off the list as success, only because we don't have the option. And I am so glad.
Also, she's so cute it hurts.

90 Minute Sleep Cycles.....

We spent about a week getting no sleep. My solution, try to keep her more awake during the day so she would sleep longer at night. Result; EPIC FAILURE. Then, my brilliant Mom gave me some advice. 1. Routine and Security 2. 90 min sleep cycles. My home has been revolutionized. Nolie is a sleep cycle baby, she follows the 90 min very closely. I recommend the book to anyone who is having a baby soon or is having sleep problems. Basically it boils down to our bodies (and babies bodies even more so) having a 90 min cycle of wakefulness to sleepiness. If you start the clock when they wake up, your baby will be showing signs of sleepiness toward the end of the 90 mins (sometimes the signs can be hard to see, but just start rocking and see if it works) when the baby falls asleep then lay them down and let the multiples of 90 mins start. It had never occurred to me that she was probably sleep deprived too! I didn't want to her to nap too much and not sleep at night, but that makes no sense for a new baby who needs to sleep about 15-20 hours a day (for the 6 months or more) so the more naps your baby gets the less likely they are to be frustrated (and crying) when they wake at night (and we all wake a little bit, but we are able to just fall back asleep without even noticing). A rested baby can put themselves right back to sleep (like a rested adult) but a sleep deprived baby, or a baby who isn't aware of how to fall asleep at all won't be able to do so (hence the waking up every hour and half!). So, since starting to notice and be respectful of these cycles my baby is sleeping far more and far better. I am not sticking to it religiously because I need to get out, and napping at home every 90 min isn't really in the cards, but we are following it almost completely and the results have been wonderful. !Also, adding a routine (shower, diaper, nurse, rock, sleep) we are able to go to bed at whatever time works for us (9pm to 2am so far) and she still sleeps well! So, Read the book. Start a routine. Then send me chocolate as a thank you...or send it to my Mom because she is the real hero. Also note, you will still be tired unless you sleep when she sleeps, a lesson I am learning slowly but surely.
When I have more time I will write a better explanation of all of this, but for now...90 min's people- its crazy.

Here are some cute well rested baby on a play date pictures....I love play dates.

Messed up, in a good way.

I don't usually reveal all that much on here. Just that I am tired, or lazy- but typically just happy cute baby stuff. But today I want to ask for help. I need prayer to trust God with myself and others. I know that He is never changing, and that He won't let me down. I have been shown over and over again that his grace is enough and his ability to work miracles is intense and overflowing in my life and my husbands. But if you think of it, please pray that I would trust myself, my husband and Noele to God and not try to control us on my own. Doing this makes me so anxious, because I am not actively "doing" and instead I have to be actively giving up. It is terrifying to not be the one calling the shots. I will always fail but with Him we will thrive. Control is a slippery slope and I am seeing that the tighter I grab onto it the faster it slips away from me. I want to be the decision maker, healer and comforter in all ways but God is showing me how flawed that is. I need a huge revamp in how I trust and how I exercise my faith. I feel a change in me, it is good.

ps. Seriously, if you aren't reading the Bible daily- do it. It will mess you up in the best way possible.

And for good measure, here is my devastatingly cute little buggle.

Need to feel better....

Then watch these two minutes of cute alert baby and your day will turn around :)