Playing House- Full Time

Holiday Comforts-Wasail!

2011-11-25T14:24:00.001-08:00

This post is sponsored by Tempur-Pedic, the brand millions of owners trust to deliver their best night’s sleep every night. Enjoy our Buy 2, get 1 free pillow offer now and give the gift of custom comfort to someone you love.

I have probably made this six times already in the past two months. Starting with halloween and running through till mid January I try to keep all the ingredients on hand for whenever the mood (or craving!) strikes. Growing up Christmas time always meant Wasail. Not the singing door to door with a warm mug in your hand type of traditions but the hot drink making our whole home smell like Harvest type of traditions, we aren't big leave the house singer types.

There are lots of variations you can make and our favorite (that I am SORELY missing this season) is rum. But it is great to bring to a party and then you can spike it drink to drink and that way every one (and every age or pregnant lady) can enjoy it.

Wassail: how we make it at my house (and my Moms too)

Fill your crock pot or dutch oven with:

One container of apple juice or cider
1-1.5 cups pineapple juice (depends on how sweet you want it)
1-1.5 cups orange juice (again, taste as you go!)
Many whole cinnamon sticks
Many whole cloves (or you could nix the two and go for a little mulling spice if you have it on hand)
One orange cut into rounds and laid around the top of the wasail

Let it get warm and steamy then when you are about twenty minutes from serving add:
.5-1 liter of ginger ail (I have also done it with two bottles of spicy ginger brew and it was delish!)

Serves:10-12 (or one pregnant lady all weekend)

Additions: rum, caramel, apple slices, anything holiday/fallish that sounds good to you! Especially great topped with whipped cream and a dash of cinnamon!

At our house it isn't a fall party without Wassail. I have made it for every Halloween Party, Nolie birthday, Play group party and soon to be at our Christmas parties and it is always a hit. Not to mention making it ahead of time in your crock pot and bringing it as a drink to another party is sure to be a hit over a cheap bottle of red (there will be plenty of that!) or a store bought cider. This one tastes like home, holidays and comfort in our cup.

Also? Happy Thanksgiving (one day late)! My computer has taken a sad turn for the worse (poor six year old Imac) and we are now on the, very speedy, hunt for a replacement. I hope your Thanksgivings were full of food, fun and so much love and thankfulness.

Comfort is the perfect gift for everyone on your holiday gift list, so be sure to take advantage of Tempur-Pedic's Buy 2, get 1 free pillow offer! I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective.

Merry (it isn't yet) Christmas

2011-11-14T19:17:00.001-08:00

We are in Holiday mode here… this weekend we are going to hang our lights and break out the tree (I am SO embarrased to admit we bought a fake tree last year… the year before we got a tree that was infested with spiders and I have a HUGE phobia of spiders and can’t look at a tree in my own home the same way… it is really heartbreaking). But here to whet your appetite for all things Christmas… the tiniest and cutest reindeer ever.

Olive- the other reindeer

ps. I am posting this through my old account in hopes that anyone who missed us in the move can update their readers (follow us here now!) and start to see our new posts. Lots is happening here!

Week Seventeen (update your readers if you need to!)

2011-11-14T10:55:00.001-08:00

Last week I felt the baby. Just a little flutter and then another and another- it brought me to my knees. All the horrible thoughts, all the anxiety and disconnect, all the apathy and fear just… lifted. I sobbed and sobbed. Called Charlie and sobbed some more. I fell in love in a heartbeat, a moment, a kick and flutter, just so fast. I feel beyond blessed to have all this horror lift so quickly and I know how lucky I am that I only endured three months of such heartbreaking depression instead of nine- or more.

Each day since I have felt … something. Just little popcorn kicks nothing huge and sometimes only once or twice. And each time it brings a grin to my lips and so much joy along with it. I Love this little bug and am so excited for it to join our family here on the outside.

The name debate has begun and this time around it feel a lot easier, Charlie has previously been known as “where good names go to die” but this time he seems much more amenable to my suggestions. Maybe it has something to do with him naming Nolie? It is my turn. Kinda. We aren’t into naming a baby before we meet it so we will have a list of names (three…maybe more) and at the end I will be the one to name this babe. So any suggestions? Please pass them on… we have VERY few ideas!

One week from today we go in for our Fetal Survey. AKA the “big” ultrasound. I felt the same last time as this time… I am super excited to find out the sex but this ultrasound is about a whole lot more than that and I am far more concerned over a healthy, on track, developing baby than I am about a boy or girl. So I will be psyched to open up the little envelope that says “boy!” or “girl!” but more than that I can’t wait to see a little kicking, wiggling, growing perfectly baby.

And growing it sure is…

I am up seven pounds from the start (all of that gained in the past month…ehhh)

I have no real inkling about the sex but I am leaning toward boy only because this pregnancy is SO different.

I am growing out my hair/bangs so that after the babe is born I can chop my bangs off and hopefully not feel so drawn to cutting off all my hair ( I don’t look great with short hair…but I forget this often)

Nolie is doing awesome with baby stuff. Loves kissing the baby. Talking about the Heartbeat- she got to hear it at the last midwife appt and it rocked her world… well the jelly they use for the doppler was what really got her going but still, she was psyched. She has also been bringing me her babies so they can “nurse the otherside” while she nurses pretty adorable.

We are pretty much decided on a birthcenter birth instead of a homebirth unless complications similar to Nolie’s delivery arise and then we may have a homebirth. (more on all that soon!)

I am nearly 100% Nolie won’t wean by the time the baby comes so expect some Adventures in Tandem Nursing to come your way!

my babies

Yarn Wreath {giveaway too!}

2011-10-07T21:13:00.001-07:00

am so into homemade decorations and crafts this year it is insane. Nolie and I are sticky with glue sticks, I am burned from my hot glue gun and the ladies at Jo-Annes are probably seriously annoyed with my credit charges of $2.80 (for felt, always more felt). I have seen a million yarn wreath tutorials floating around and finally got around to trying it out. I LOVE the outcome. It snazzies up my door just right and matches the red of our house perfectly. It is fallish without being Halloween or Thanksgiving and it was easy, fast and fun to make.

Next stop- tiny wreaths to hang on our (and our friends?) Christmas trees. Or wouldn't a bunch of them hanging at different lengths be cute in a big picture window?? Or maybe another big wreath with some different style flowers? Who knows. . .pintrest is a world of holiday DIY that I am sinking into nightly (naptimely too).

Now the fun part! I want to thank you for reading, following and being here even through the website switch (I know updating your reader and following a new blog can be a big pain) so. . . thank you!

To Enter: you have three chances!

1. Follow me!

2. Comment (anything, I don't care! I just like your words :)

3. tweet or fb about the giveaway with a link back to here

Thanks again! This is the last post I will be putting through blogger too so hope you come back and keep reading.

Christmas gift making. . . easy DIY

2011-10-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

Nolie is a fancy girl. She loves skirts and twirling, boots and silly hats and, recently she has been pretty taken with hair accessories. I made a yarn wreath for our door a couple of nights ago and some little felt flowers to put on it with the help of pintrest and some easy tutorials. The next day I was thinking that those same little flowers would make darling hair clips.

I looked at quite a few different tutorials for different kind of felt flowers but felt like this one was the easiest and sturdiest- two year old hands are far from gentle. . .

I put this on a big clip because Nolie has enough hair that I don't need to use alligator clips any more and because this way I can borrow it! This first one took about 10 minutes but the ones I have made since (Nolie requested a yellow and a blue) each took maybe 5 minutes. I am thinking these will make nice fast Christmas gifts or stocking stuffer for sweet little girls. And you better believe if we are having another girl she will be sporting a big headband one when she is tiny!

Also, just a reminder. I have switched domains and hosts (wordpress from blogger) so my posts won't show up in your reader unless you update it or subscribe (that little RSS button) or follow (the box to the right!). For this week I will be posting from blogger so that you keep getting my posts in your blogger reader but that will stop soon! So please, if you like reading then follow me here at my new space. Thanks so much!!

Big News!

2011-10-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are on my very own domain name! I had the opportunity to switch over and get a little blog makeover recently and I couldn't wait! Blogging has become a pretty important pice of my life at home. Being a stay at home mom is everything I hoped for but it is hard, hard, hard to make connections and feel close to people when you are rocking your little on at three am, (not to mention 1am, 4:30am and up for the day at 5:45am).

Blogging has been that connection for me. Other mamas who are awake at all hours. Other mamas nursing their toddlers and struggling through solid food introductions. Other women day dreaming about beautiful trips, gorgeous clothes and the perfect/easy/fast DIY holiday crafts. And, mainly, other Women who are trying to stay positive and thankful even in the moments that can feel most pulling and trying. Those blogs, those women and reading those posts keeps me here. I love to be a piece of that puzzle and being able to do that in a more beautiful space (isn't it so pretty!?).

I want a record of these years. Nolie is nearing two and I can hardly believe it but when I read back over the posts I feel like I can be back there. Accurately remember just how hard, beautiful and worth it all these decisions have been. I want her to have words to look back on. I love hearing stories about my childhood and I am so thankful that I can hand Nolie down a book of words that celebrate the honestly tell her how lovely, cared for and incredible these years have been.

I hope you will update your readers and keep coming back. I am excited to figure out how to use wordpress and how to better post. There are now buttons for my pintrest, twitter and facebook (soon to be a blog page!). This page is still in the construction mode and I am working on getting all the kinks figured out- any imput would be super welcome!

I am going to have a Thank You giveaway up soon for a cute holiday decoration made by. . . me! (fyi: it a wreath cause I am TOTALLY obsessed with them).

Thanks again, I love blogging and reading your blogs, comments and emails. I am so excited for this new page and all the awesome benefits it will afford this little blog.

{SOS} One last outfit

2011-10-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

Anatomy of a cozy fall Saturday.

We don't go out to eat often and when we do it is SUCH a treat! Charlie has picked up a new tutoring gig and so he treated his ladies to breakfast. Nolie thoroughly enjoyed her pancake and was super focused on eating it. This was one of the first meals out we have had with Nolie that felt relaxed and so fun, she people watched, ate and had fun. There was no wrangling, crying or food throwing we even left the place in pretty pristine condition. It was so much fun. AND it was cold enough to break out my favorite fall/winter cozy shoes.

On me:

scarf: Gap

shirt: Anthropologie

cardigan: Anthropologie

jeans: F21

shoes: Ugg

(ps. everything but the jeans were gifts from my parents, they are too good to me)

When we came home Nolie got serious about her coziness and requested more jammy time and some book reading. The boots are requisite for the outside time that is typically mingled into books, puzzles and playing during the weekend.

birthday planning

2011-10-01T22:02:00.000-07:00

Nolie is turning two soon and I can't really even begin to wrap my head around it. I can't remember what it felt like to hold a tiny baby. I can't seem to figure out how she has tripled in size and stolen my heart so wholly in such a short time. She is so wonderful, growing and incredible and OLD. My heart is breaking. I can't stop looking at her baby pictures.

6 pounds sweet babe.

I refuse to move on. So instead I am trying to throw myself into party planning. And wouldn't you know it? Pintrest. Pintrest. Pintrest.

Here are just a few of the things I have pinned and am planning on using as inspiration for her party. Shoe-string budget, big list of people to invite and a tiny home. . . pray for us.

ps. I love party planning. LOVE it. And I think it is even more fun on a tight budget because you really have to hunt for doable adorable things that will work in your own space. For example- those lanterns up there? We happened to use a bout 6 of those big ones in our wedding so they are already hanging around at my parents house so I can snag those for decoration! I never would have thought of it but with chilly and dark early evenings here so fast and little ones running around- an enclosed flame is just what we need.

Fall Fashion Week {the end}

2011-09-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

Well, this is it. Sad day. Today was a bit of a sick day we watched pbskids.org this morning with oatmeal and then took super long naps. It was needed and I think it brought about miraculous recovery for a cold that showed itself in the middle of the night. So in the afternoon we headed off on a brisk walk to the park. It was colder than I thought it would be so I ended up making good use of this super bargain sweater!

At the park Nolie will swing for upwards to 45 minutes. . . it is insanity. She is the easiest (and most boring) park kid ever.

Ok, this sweater is an uuber deal from Anthropologie. $10!!! On the sale rack just waiting for me and my mom (my favorite shopping buddy) to discover it. We found it months back and it is now finally cold enough to bring it out. It is a little big but I think it will be perfect as I expand and the temperatures continue to drop. And really, $10 at Anthro is basically a must buy!

bargain sweater and 11 week bumpity

on me:

sweater: Anthropologie

Jeans: F21

shoes: Toms

The cutest little park goer ever.

Her shadow is SO adorable. That little cindy lou pony tail is almost too much sweetness to handle.

On Nolie:

dress: Hanna Andersson

tights: Old Navy

shoes: Toms

I am bummed this is over but have been so excited to find lots of new blogs to read and follow! You ladies are as beautiful as you are kind. Your compliments and encouragements have done a lot for me this week. It was a rough one and your words made a huge difference.

eating the spoils.

2011-09-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

All you other seasons can eat your heart out because Fall Owns you.

Fall Fashion Week {day six}

2011-09-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day, heartbreaking. Back to yoga pants and toms. Or, not. . . hopefully I can keep this streak up!

I am a big fall celebrator. We have two apple picking excursions planned (one was today!), two pumpkin patch visits in our near future, a certain awesome two year old birthday party and HALLOWEEN! I love celebrating all things harvest and we kicked that off today!

We went to Bellewood Acres, a local apple orchard and farm, it was such a blast. We rode around on golf carts through the orchard rows and along the edges of the farm that boarder on cows and horses. Nolie was so excited about the cows and all the apples. Her new words today were "Orchard" and "bumpy cart!". We are loving soaking up fall, my favorite season!

On Me:

scarf: same as always (gap, gift)

shirt: Anthro (gift from mom and dad)

top: Nordstroms (gift from mom and dad)

jeans: F21 Maternity

boots: (kids) Hunter

On Nolie:

hat: gift

shirt: Old Navy

sweater: hand me down from my sister

tights: Hanna Andersson (gift from mom and dad)

boots: hand me down from my sister

I can't believe we are done tomorrow. And, I have no idea what I am going to wear!

Also in big news, today we went for our first run in weeks and I was dreading-dreading-dreading it but it was actually super successful! I have plans to run a 5k in December and we need to get on the training in a big way. I am so excited! We were running really consistently before we got pregnant and then dropped off hard-core when the endless exhaustion set in. But lately I am starting to feel more like myself and consequently can start working out again and I couldn't be more glad about it. Here is a healthy and active pregnancy and a super fun race at 6 months pregnant!

See some pretty ladies here!

ps. if you were wondering what my tiny tattoo looks like you can click the picture of Nolie and I and see it a bit up close. It says "one"

Fall Fashion Week {day five}

2011-09-28T15:42:00.000-07:00

We are really in the thick of it now! I can't believe there are only two days left and I have actually managed to get fully dressed every day. This is a HUGE accomplishment.

I owe my good mood and this dress to my lovely friend Stef (read her It's A... post and be amazed by her craftyness). She knew how bummed I have been about the WIC appt lady and everything else lately and came to my rescue with a new to me dress and the best oatmeal chocolate chunk (the chunk makes all the difference) cookies I have ever had. Best of all she left it on my front porch- by far the best way to leave a gift. I love gifts but if you swing by and expect a happy visit in the evening when I am single-parenting (fire fighting) you will find an overwhelmed, pajamaed in the most embarrassing way, hair pulled up so I could have curls today- crazy mama. So a porch drop off and text is the way to go! I don't really do the whole evening drop-in stuff.

On to the clothes! Today I had a Mom's Group Bible Study that meets at our church (where Charlie works) so I had him snap a few pictures right before that. This is a perfect outfit for feeling cute with other Moms (who are all really good looking and intimidating. . . ) and for chasing Nolie around before and after the group meets. And this outfit works well for napping in. . . yeah.

scarf: Gap(gift from Mom and Dad)
shirt: garage sale
dress: hand me down! (thanks Stef!)
tights: super old . . . but I think they are from Cannon Beach, OR
boots: same ol', some ol' Frye

And Nolie girl. She is into taking pictures with my phone lately (See it? NOLIE! Picsssser Nolie!)

shirt: hand me down from my sister (like basically all of her clothes)

dress: Gymboree- gift from Charlie's lovely cousin, Jenny

tights and socks: Hanna Andersson- gifts from my Mom and Dad

Can't wait to get a break and go see all your cuteness and day five outfits!!

Fall Fashion Week {day four}

2011-09-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

Matchy rainy day girls in our red polka-dot tights and green rain boots. Perfect for tromping around in the glorious fall weather!

Perfect fall park day!

on me:

dress: nordstroms

tights: gift from my madre!

boots: hunter

on nolie:

tights, boots and dress: all hand me downs from my sister

shirt: gift from my mom and dad

For Noelle- I look like a goob. This is my reality while online or reading. Laugh on.

Fall Fashion Week {day three}

2011-09-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, ever put on an outfit and think it is super cute and then have someone photograph you and you realize you have been looking like a frump-fool all.day.long. Just me? great.

I am posting this purely out of commitment to fashion week. Be impressed.

dress: gap maternity

cardigan: F21

boots: (old faithful) Frye

Ugh. This picture, in conjunction with the WIC appt I had today where I got a talk all about how much an overweight pregnant mother should be gaining. . . I could just sob into s~~ome chocolate~~ a pillow all night long. Or I will just go back to yesterday and reread all your comments and feel way better about myself. Thanks guys!

Oh well as frumptastic as I am Nolie is always perfect. Even if she won't stand still long enough for a proper picture.

dress: thrift gift from a friend

tights: Hanna Andersson (gift from mom and dad)

boots: thrift gift from my sister

Fall Fashion Week {day two}

2011-09-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am back to trying to post what I am legitimately wearing on the actual day. Huzzah for getting dressed! Today is the first day in weeks that I feel like myself a little bit. We went for a walk in the wind, went to church and are now at home enjoying the shaking windy windows and a very quite house (Nolie is napping for the first time in over four days!). This outfit is kind of my fall uniform. Tights, boots and a dress or skirt- I rarely get out of this once the temperatures dip below 65. Also, this jeans jacket is a work.horse. It is going on ten years old and still looks crisp and new, I adore it. Way to go J.Crew! Thanks for all the kind comments yesterday, I am feeling pretty huge and out of shape this pregnancy because of being so exhausted and sore all the time. I am really looking forward to the second trimester and getting back into lots of activity all the time. And if today is any idicator then those days are not far away!

scarf: local boutique (Sojourn)

top: gap

skirt: H&M

tights: Nordstroms

Boots: Frye

If you are ever debating whether or not Frye boots are worth the investment call me. I will sell you on them. These ones have carried me through ten hour waitressing shifts (better than any danskos ever) and a pregnancy and now another- they are the best boots out there. I wear them constantly!

Also, do yourself a favor and pain your nails a crazy neon color. I promise if you are feeling a little low and you look down at them it will make you smile. Or at least make every little girl you come into contact with smile and that will warm your heart just as much. Love this one $2 from Forever21.

Are you linking up with Fashion Week yet? No. DO IT. Emery is such a sweet and fashionable blogger with great clothes and words to pass on. Do yourself a favor and pour through some archives and get inspired by some great layers and hard lessons. Thanks again for all the kind comments, this stage of pregnancy is so frumpy and you all, seriously, made my night!

Fall Fashion Week {day one}

2011-09-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

This has been a whirlwind weekend already and we still have tomorrow! I am exhausted and so happy. I got to spend time with some of my favorite girls (my sister and nieces!) and tomorrow I get to see my SIL. Family filled weekends are fabulous and totally draining. We just got Nolie down to bed (day four of no nap... ...) and some pictures loaded but I am going to try my hardest to get pictures up sooner tomorrow. And take a nap.

Anyhow. . . FALL FASHION WEEK!

I love this. Motivation to change out of my new favorite pair of (maternity) jeans that I haven't taken off in a week. Yep, gross. I am hoping they only make an appearance two times or maybe three.

Basically this outfit holds all of my new maternity clothes that I am too excited to wait to wear until I really need to. However, the jeans I DO need to wear 1. this 10 week belly is out of control and 2. I am in love with how comfy they are.

Also, everyone needs a scarf like this. It feels like a t-shirt and is super cozy to wrap around you extra tight but light enough to not make you sweaty or itch. Prepare to see this one far more than twice.

Scarf and top: Gap (gifts from my Mom and Dad)
Jeans: Forever21 Maternity
Shoes: Toms

Here is a more proper belly shot too. . .

{Ten week and already my chin looks pregnant.}

And for a dose of reality. Here is first trimester mama and cuddly girl putting this outfit to good, restful, use.

And what Nolie has been wearing a lot of recently.

She is pretty much naked all the time and wants to wrap something (dish towel, old t-shirt, blanket, etc.) around herself and then walk around benevolently handing me things like a little old queen. Darling and totally insane. I adore her.

See you all here tomorrow! And, YOU, participate! Even if just for a day (all of them would be better though) It is so much fun and a great motivator to get out of yoga pants or in my case ~~pajama jeans~~ maternity jeans!

slow growth.

2011-09-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

I struggle with knowing what to do in the wake of heartbreak. In the past year or so I have had an inordinate number of close friends and family go through horrible loss and weighty sadness. I have endless heart and empathy but when it comes to showing it I fumble through "I am so sorry" and "what can I do?". More often than not I don't follow my instinct to be quiet and just sit in the hard stuff with them, instead I talk them deaf with cliches and silence filling words, well meaning drivel.

I think a piece of age and maturity is comfort with crying with someone. Aching with them. Grieving and sitting in the muck piece. I am slowly learning it, but the process is tooth pulling and agonizing. My desire is to just make it all better. Band-aid the crap out of them, distract distract distract and just keep on moving forward. I know none of that heals. I know that time, love, attentive listening and active loving is what heals. God heals and I can't force that to happen faster. Regardless of how much my heart is breaking.

I think some of my discomfort in this place is that I don't want anyone to sit with me in the crap. When I am falling, slipping and struggling I rarely put it out there until I am recovered. I am not bold enough to call a friend or drive to where I know relief would be. I stick it out, I don't give into grace. I white knuckle and bootstrap my way through too much. It is a trait that some people glorify but I have realized time and time again that answering with an "I am fine" when you are breaking does nothing but separate you from God and relationship.

That fault in me is what is hugely informing my inability to love well through heartache, loss, struggle or failures. I think God is using all of this to humble me, quiet me and remind me to listen. I fail at this miserably most of the time but the voice inside that says "stop and allow love" is getting slightly louder.

At 20 I didn't know that voice, I only heard my own yelling louder to "tough it out!". At 25 I am hearing it and, sometimes, stopping to allow it. To listen in love and sit quietly. I can only hope that by 30 I am further on this path, loving better and sharing more- sooner. My growth is slow going and sputters.

LOVE

2011-09-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

With pregnancy comes extremes. I am sweating and red or icy and complaining about my need of thick socks. I am ravenous and eating us out of house and home or I am goingtopukeeverywhere right.this.second. I LOVE things and HATE things with such ferocity and they change daily, hourly . . . or more. I can feel my hormones surge and I become crazy, over-emotional and extremely sensitive. Poor Charlie.

However, I have remained steadfast to a few things these past nine weeks (yep, thats all).

My pregnancy loves- so far.

Just like last time I am wanting to eat everything my Mom baked for us when I was a kid (nordy bars, chocolate marshmallow filled cookies, rice crispy treats, SUGAR). Luckily my total lack of energy means that I rarely make the stuff myself so I am forced to wait to consume mass refined (re:best) sugar goods between family visits.

I am adoring potatoes but. . . who doesn't? They are the best vehicle for butter, cheese and bacon all things that are perfect.

Tea! I am kind of anti-coffee these days, it feels really wrong to write that, tea is hitting the spot. This past week I have been downing Bengal Spice daily (multiple times a day) and last week it was orange ginger. So good and pretty much the only non calorie ridden craving I have had.

Orange Soda, the fancy kind. Yes.

Honorable Mentions:
Forever21 Skinny Maternity Jeans- why don't we wear these all the time?
Light Weight Scarves- my mom just got me one and I haven't taken it off in days. Perfect weight for any weather when your body temperature seems to change by 15 degrees hourly.

I'll keep it upbeat and only do a love list I will save the HATE list for another day. Off to care for my sick little family. Nolie is suffering her second ever cold and Charlie is battling off a cold on top of wicked allergies. . . sad bunch around here combined with a constanly sick and complaining pregnant mama. Fun!

Anything else I should try out in these categories? What are other great herbal teas that mix well with milk? What did you LOVE when pregnant? And seriously, pregos? Go to Forever21 for Maternity! They carry it in stores now and have better selection in store than online. . . these jeans are blowing my mind!

nursing Nolie (nearly two)

2011-09-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

When I first started nursing Nolie I didn't have any real time frame in mind, no date for it to end. Or, no date to "make it to" I just nursed. My Mom nursed me till I was four so the idea of "extended breastfeeding" never freaked me out or made me uncomfortable. And best of all, for Nolie and me, nursing just clicked. There wasn't intense pain or horrible engorgement, her latch was prefect, no weirdness or naysayers about feeding her in public or uncovered. I was only met with support, encouragement and growth on the part of my baby and a huge happy hormone release every time I did it.

It wasn't until she was around a year that the idea that we should stop had ever been introduced. We took her for her one year doctor visit and at a slim weight the doctor encouraged I wean her and switch her to formula. . . I was shocked. Why would anyone encourage me to quit a full year before the American Board of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization advised us to nurse to? Why would I switch her from milk that had agreed with her body, grown it well and is specially designed for her to something completely foreign? We resisted, researched and found a new doctor, one who was supportive and caring. Nolie flourished, grew at her own rate and is still as healthy as can be (never been really sick, at all).

Now, coming up on that two year recommendation and blowing through this pregnancy like wildfire I am starting to think about the end. Or at least the slowing down. We night weaned a few weeks ago and it went like a dream. The combination of her being ready (she wasn't the last time we tried and it was pure horror) and my milk dwindling for a week or so created the perfect situation to night wean. I am so glad we didn't do it any earlier and I am so (SO) thankful for the glimpses of sleeping through the night that we are having now. However, along with the dwindling milk supply that pregnancy has brought, Nolie has taken to nursing for as long as I will let her during the day. I have started to say "no" to her (for, pretty much, the first time) when she asks and she is responding really amicably to it. We have gone from 8 nurses a day down to 4 and sometimes 3.

She is growing up and big and I am in awe of how much she has changed in her ability to understand. I hope that she keeps these few nurses throughout the pregnancy and then some (we are hoping to be able to tandem nurse) but I am starting to see her slowing down with nursing and gaining more autonomy and desire to be off of me. There is no doubt that nursing a toddler comes with a lot of struggles but the payoff, for us, has been so huge that I can't imagine ending this relationship prematurely.

Nolie and I nursing at our local Birth Center potluck a few weekends ago.

If you have any questions about nursing in public, nursing an older child or night weaning feel free to email me! autumnmeyer25@gmail.com

end of summer

2011-09-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

We are soaking up the last of Summer. It came a little late her in the PNW...

We have been making lots of wishes on 'bubble dandies'

And enjoying each other immensely. Nolie and I have been homebodies lately. Feeling low and sick has made for lots of sunny backyard afternoons and bright mornings spent reading Pooh and every version of "ABC" we can get our hands on.

As nice as these warm days have been I cannot wait for the cool to move in and Fall to take over. Sweaters, boots, story time and museum dates are calling my name.

I have been a big liar.

2011-09-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

{8 weeks huge}

how are you feeling?
Awesome! Super great!
really?
a little tired, but overall pretty much incredible. . . I keep even forgetting I am pregnant!

I have had that conversation at least ten times since I let people know I was pregnant. And for the first little bit it was basically true. I did feel great, better than I should have and totally unfairly awesome. But that quickly gave way to exhaustion, constant nausea, major food cravings/aversions, weird sweaty'ness and then even more dizziness. However, my response? "Great! Better than ever!"

I recently met some friends for a play date. They were asking me about how I was feelings and as I sat and tried to focus clearly on something that wasn't spinning and worked to not run into the bushes to puke I answered. . . "fabulous, better than last time even. "

I. Lied.

This has been, up until yesterday (honest), the hardest two weeks I have had in a long time. We are sleeping better than usual (go Nolie!) and yet I am beyond tired. I just want to put on Angelina Ballerina clips and pass out. I am constantly feeling like I am about to toss my cookies and the only cure seems to be constant eating. . . weird, right? Only that is making me an emotional wreck (I will gain a million pounds.) and I end up feeling more sick when I have to, inevitably, stop eating.

I have been a hormonal roller coaster too. Like, big time. Sobbing about everything I read, hear or see in any media source. Over empathizing with every mothering thing (For example, a worm that I thought was a mama. I got really overly concerned that she was going to dry out so I sucked up all my girlishness and moved her into the dirt. . . ) and being a super jerk to Charlie pretty often. Not to mention having to muster up all my strength, all of it and then some, in order to not totally freak out at Nolie for things that are not a big deal (Chalk washes off of everything! Lighten up mama!). Then after these angry cry fests I feel like a big punk and cry more about how terrible I make life for Charlie. What the heck? Last time I cried about birth videos and that was about it. This time? worms. kid TV shows. every blog post anyone wrote ever and birth videos.

Yesterday and today felt like the fog might be lifting a little. I was less nauseous and ate a more normal person amount of food. I cried at appropriate things like birth stories and was able to bike around town without feeling like complete death.

I have faith the pretty soon I won't be a liar when I answer "Awesome!"

I have problems with feeling like a burden to people. I don't want to stress them out, worry them or make them feel bad for me. I feel weird complaining when I feel better than a ton of people do during pregnancy, I am healthy and not puking constantly and the baby is growing like a weed! What do I have to complain about?!

But I know that lying about it isn't working either. So thankfully I am truly starting to feel better (I think) and hopefully I just Faked it till I made It out of this funk. Take that first trimester!

ps. I am fairly certain worms are asexual. Right?

Side note: Nolie is mind blowing and adorable. And on top of the world.

the awkward bump will reign.

2011-09-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

Yep, get ready for me to don my only fitting non-maternity clothes and look as awkward and lumpy as any first trimester Mama could ever dream of.

Oh, bonus! Nolie will be darling and clad in her cutest.

memories.

2011-09-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes as I am living a moment I just know and feel that it will be a memory I will never lose. Being on the edge of Nolies first memories I am thinking pretty often about what we are doing, what I am saying and how I am reacting- "Would I want that to be her first memory?"

This past week (or more ago? it feels like yesterday) Nolie helped bake her first batch of cookies. She helped measure the flour and mix in the eggs and butter. It was everything I had imagined since I got pregnant with her.

When I was round with Nolie I would bake and bake and bake and think of when she would be big enough to sit on the counter and help me mix while taking little nips from the bowl. Well, we have arrived.

After I pulled the cookies from the oven I poured two glasses of milk and we sat down to enjoy. I remember the song playing (Graceland) and how we sat and watched the cars go by in front of the screen door.

None of the pictures are perfect and the cookies were good but not great but nothing can touch that moment. Sharing a homemade by us two girls cookie and talking about cars and rain, weather and dancing mice- that moment will never fade. It is one of my first memories of having a kid, not a baby.

Nolie,

I love being your constant. I love living with you and playing. Being your Mama is the best job in the world and I would choose you over and over and over again.

Thank you for playing with me.

Love,

Mama

Have Mercy!

2011-09-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

When I was given the opportunity to review Oikos Greek Yogurt my first thought was. . . Uncle Jesse. I love him. I hoped that in opening the yogurt maybe my bedroom would fill with billowing white curtains and fat lit white candles and he would serenade me with moody eyes and perfect bed head. Side Note: Dads are hot. Acid washed jeans will forever work on some men. I am endlessly jealous of Aunt Becky.

Something like this. . .

OK- so eating the yogurt wasn't quite like that. But it was pretty spectacular. Thick and creamy, the vanilla flavor won Charlie and Nolie over in a heartbeat. It pretty much tastes like ice cream or some super wonderful dessert that won't make your teeth ache with sugar or cold overload (side eye: ice cream). I am a fan of plain yogurt and this one was above and beyond. I added a bunch of cinnamon to it and was very satisfied by it. I would venture to say this is my favorite greek yogurt we have tried (and we have tried a lot). Keep reading...and see then and now pictures Mr.Stamos.

date night

2011-08-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

We snuck out for a date a while back and it was perfect. I really love Charlie. I often times forget how important getting one on one time is, but every time we get away together we can't help but grin at one another and be so excited about how much we still want to just be together.

We started with espresso drinks at B&O espresso on Capitol Hill. We just sat and talked, were quiet and still and just reveled in not kid wrangling. We talked about this next baby and how excited we are about this birth and the huge things we plan do do differently. More about that soon.

Then a bump picture had to be taken. A pretty little bump.

Also, on our dates we don't have "rules" (not talking about Nolie, no work talk, etc.) and I think that is part of what is so freeing about it. And, surprisingly enough, we didn't talk about Nolie much. Mainly just about what is going on in our lives right now and how endlessly thankful we are for where we are at.

The new hair. . . it doesn't look all that different, but I did cut 6 inches off!

If you are ever in Seattle do yourself favor and GO to the Frye Art Museum. It is wonderful. Their great room is mind blowing.

Little times during our day to make each other a priority are incredible, but nothing beats an afternoon just strolling the town that feels like home, hand in hand with my best friend.

roles.

2011-08-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

{my thoughtful Oldest}

The more I believe I am actually pregnant the more I start to think about what our family will be changing into. No longer is Nolie our Only she will now be our First and Oldest. This baby will never be a First, always a Second and maybe a Baby. Along with each of those labels come typical attributes, personality traits and a ton of research.

I have always found where you fall in your family and how if affects your personality to be really interesting. I am the baby in my family, but by such a long shot (my closest sibling is 9 years older) that I have a lot of only child tendencies.

It is really hard to think about writing about Nolie in the context of only half of our kids. Not the whole, consuming, all that she has been for the past (almost) two years. I feel like I am going to be hurting her by writing about her in the context of her sibling, or that her sibling is going to feel less than because Nolie has, up until this point, been everything to us. I know how important their bond as siblings will be and that a huge part of my job is to foster that. I also know that my love will multiply and grow with the birth of this baby and we will all fall into our family roles and know no different, eventually.

I don't have much point to this, just that I am thinking about it. A lot. Nolie's time with us as an only child has been incredible and beautiful and the most life changing time in my whole life. However, she is unlikely to ever remember life without her sibling. These days of being our Only will have less memory impact than her days of being an Older.

But I take great heart in knowing the two and a half of the three most formative years of Nolies life have been spent being loved on solely. Nursed on demand, needs met and respected and nearly every adventure we could- wholeheartedly indulged. There is a good reason why Only children and First born children have quite a bit in common.

I am looking forward to roles changing. Mother of two, Father of two, Oldest and Baby. But I am also mourning some of what is lost in the shift. It is probably just my raging hormones talking, but this feels so huge.

figgering on biggering and biggering and biggering. . .

2011-08-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

The details on this pregnancy. . . I don't know much! I am somewhere between 6-10 weeks along and I know that is early to be telling everyone but I know that if I were to lose this baby I would need all of the ears and support I could get. I am praying and hoping that this baby is super viable and keeps on growing like a weed!

We have an ultra-sound fairly soon and then I will have a more firm "date" and then I will have my first midwife appointment soon after. I am more than a little excited to get to start going to the birth center again. I feel like a different woman, one who is informed! I am beyond excited to attempt a natural birth (possibly at home, hopefully in the water) again and if we have the same complications as last time I will have a very different plan in place. It feels so good to be informed and ready to make decisions. Instead of starting at square one like we were with Nolie.

Physically I feel awesome, so good, unfairly great. A few bouts of "ugh" and a couple of moments of "if I don't nap right this second I will fall.over." but basically I feel incredible. The only huge (hardy har) difference with this pregnancy than with my first is how gigantic I am, and how fast it is happening. Like, very fast.

The day before I found out (I had a hunch. . .)

First bump picture a week later. . .

One week after that. . .

A little astounding, right? The weirdest part is that in the morning I am still pretty much flat bellied and normal looking. But by evening. . . 25weeks along minimum. The body is hard to get used to but I am slowly getting more and more used to this and I know I will love it soon. It is just crazy how fast this baby (or what is left over from Nolie) is poking out. I feel like I look a lot further along than I am and it is kind of messing with me.

Emotionally I am all over the map. A Hormonal mess with pregnancy, night weaning, nursing Nolie all day (sometimes) and hardly at all (other times). Poor Charlie. I am hoping that as this pregnancy ticks by that I will be a little more even keeled.

Who knows. . . I have always been kind of "emotional" and a lot sensitive so it could just be that now I have a nice excuse for it!

What's Mama Growing?

2011-08-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

Yep! And we couldn't be more excited.

schooling.

2011-08-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

We are a ways away from it but I have school on the brain. . . late august tends to do that to me.

I have always been a public school supporter, but lately reading and hearing about what happens (commonly) in elementary schools and middle schools is causing me to seriously reconsider. But who am I to teach Nolie? Teachers go to school for a reason. I am not a teacher. Charlie is. Not by profession but by gift. If there was a way to swing it that he could be home to teach the. . . hard stuff? that, I could, maybe, get behind.

But Nolie is so incredible, smart and mind blowing that part of me wants to be there. I want to see every second of her wheels turning and see the realizations and abilities click. Thank goodness we have a ways to go before I have to, fully, cross this bridge. For now we play school and sing about letters and numbers. We talk about big and small, stop and go, under and over and each day she retains more and makes my heart grow bigger. I love this girl, I can't wait to keep learning with her. No matter what that looks like.

and might I add, ELMO!

(nearly) reared its ugly head.

2011-08-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

I have some bad tendencies that have all but died away in the past couple of years (getting pregnant and having a baby will grow you up, exponentially). But sometimes, when I am tired or my feelings are hurt I have to battle wanting to react and be a punk.

I have the ability to cut people down in very few words and do so effectively and hurtfully. I thought that those desires had waned in the past years, maybe that I had used them up in high school debate class and on Charlie (sorry, you never deserved those words) when we were dating and first married. But I realized this morning that they are still right there, just beneath the surface as soon as I am compromised.

My feelings were hurt and my immediate reaction was a slew of mean and aggressive insults that I knew would cut to the core and were valid in many ways (those are the meanest type). But, I know I am growing. Instead of giving into that temptation I held back. I took a deep breath and smiled and moved forward without throwing those words out between us. With a hug and a half hearted smile I was able to walk away without verbally puking all over this old friend.

Now I am trying to sit in gratitude for growth instead of fantasizing about all the ways the conversation (and my insults) could have gone. Harder to do than I thought, growth is hard and is full of work. Today I am choosing to turn my shoulder into the work and let myself get molded into something better. So today- Gratitude for growth and endless thankfulness that God is unchanging and sovereign, His mercies are new every day. I am working to remember that and to stop the jerk-tape that plays in my head. Growth-growth-growth.

um, AWESOME!

2011-08-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

I got nominated for this!!

By Best All-Around Mom Blog

If you like me, or this blog, or what I write and you feel so inclined- vote for me! I am so honored and thankful that someone (Hayley!) nominated me, I couldn't be beaming any bigger!

No heat curls!

2011-08-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

I am sure you have seen these everywhere, but seriously don't be swayed by the length of the video. You will fall in love with the girls cute accent and perfectly applied makeup (the next day, the first day it looks like bad mall make up) and adorable outfit. And then, the hair! Hers is darling and perfect, mine will be next time. And next time I will take better photos. But for now, go and watch that video and be amazed!

I think it will work better on my hair once it is shorter, I am cutting it on Thursday(!), but I still liked the effects for now. I think my favorite part is how it looks while you are setting the curls, kind of like an update on milk braids.

Also, I ventured into lipstick wearing this past week. Not so sure how I feel about it. . .

I feel kind of old lady'ish but also kind of hip. Maybe.

Really, here is another link just because the girl is so cute and the curls are so easy- GO!

SummaSummaSumma Summer Time!

2011-08-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Plum Organics for sponsoring my post about fun kid photos and the stories behind them. Enter Plum's "Babies for Yum Caption Contest" on Facebook and you could win a $100 gift card or Plumgoodies.

We have had a very low key summer here in the Pacific North West- temperatures have, maybe, hit the 80's once and have spent a luxurious amount of time in the 60's. We have been more than mild. Everyone grumbles about the Seattle rain but if there is one thing that we do well, it is Sunshine. It may be few and far between days but when it comes out, everyone celebrates.

I have never been a summertime girl. Give me rainy days and hot drinks any time. Seattle knows how to do its rain but anyone who lives here will tell you that no Summer is as beautiful as ours (typically) is. So when the vitamin D starts pouring, we know that we need to soak it up.

It must be in Noele's blood to know that if the sun comes out we better hop to it and enjoy it. In the past I have let Summertime slip by sitting in an office chair or a classroom but now I have no excuses, this summer we have gone all out.

Minty mojittos, meals fresh from the garden, evening walks and (lots) of naked time in the sprinkler. Nolie would choose to be naked all her day long if she could (and some days she does). When I turn on the sprinkler she starts pawing at her clothes yelling, with such ferocity, "Nakkk-ney Nolie! Naaak-ney Nolie!" (naked Nolie) until she is free of all her clothing.

I don't think I grasped what Summer meant until now. There is a piece of Summertime that can't be understood until you see your kid figure out grass for the first time or the feel of sand. Or seeing Nolie be shocked by the spray park or running (wholly unabashed) around the back yard stark naked with all her best friends.

Nolie has softened my sense of judgement, selfishness and so much more. But today what seems the most evident is how she has grown in me a love for days like this.

Summertime, you are winning me over one sunny day at a time.

I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

judging doesn't make me thankful.

2011-08-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

Judging feels good. Justified, better than and something to talk about when conversation dwindles - but it does nothing for my mood. I end up feeling guilty, gross and kind of appalled at myself.

It hit me hard tonight that I have been sitting, comfortably, in my judgy obnoxious zone a bit easily lately.

I take offense when others aren't wholly fulfilled by mothering or, even more than that, they don't understand how anyone could be. Then I proceed to judge them. Their parenting. Their choices. Their goals and dreams. Their free time activities, friends, jean size. . . anything and everything I can I begin to unravel.

I am reading a book called The Happiness Project. And, while I kind of love it, I spent the first sixty pages or so judging the author because she wasn't writing solely about her children. How could her girls not infiltrate every facet of her life?? How could she write about happiness without always giving a wink and a nod to her sweet babies in every story?

I tote my living my dream badge around and feel mightier than, far too often. It is true, I have no real desire to work outside of my home (other than the fantasy of getting dressed in cute office clothes and round toed heels, on the daily) and I am excited about the prospect of raising Nolie through more, arguably harder, stages and other babies too. I am, for all intents and purposes, living my dream. The one I talked about in the hallways of my elementary school (I told my girlfriends that I wanted to be barefoot and pregnant by 23).

However, other people have different dreams. Why was that such a news flash to me?? Other women find fulfillment in different places and what is shocking me most- so do I. I have worn this armor of "all I need is mothering" for so long that I didn't realize all of the other outlets I have that many women do not. Book club, girls nights, reading and writing, running and lots of female friends to bounce thoughts off of. I don't find all of my fulfillment at home with Noele on my hip- In fact, I find a lot of it right here.

I love writing on this blog. It has become something so different than I had ever imagined it would be. I thought I would half hearted throw some information about Nolie and pictures out there so that I would have something to look back on (to this day, she has no real baby book. oops.) and instead it became a huge piece of me. A source of sanity and memory. A place that has pushed me to do more research and connect with other awesome women, not just moms. It has been a reason to keep writing, to use my education and to keep it fresh and growing. I find fulfillment in blogging and when I really think about it, I find the deepest satisfaction in writing about marriage and growth. Not just about Nolie.

I am taking some tips from the book and trying hard to shake off a lot of my bad habits. Tonight I started by reading with an open mind, less judgmental and it was hard. I wanted to read quotes to Charlie and scoff about how I was "glad I just checked it out and didn't buy it" but I stopped and read the words as they are. Written by a woman, a mother, who is seeking happiness and fulfillment eagerly.

I have been plowing through books lately and I typically feel so much better after reading a book, but lately they are all smacking me upside the head with truths about myself that are hard to swallow. I believe this is a very good thing, but as always, growth is messy-ugly-necessary and hard. But this book argue that growth is the very state we need to be in order to be happy. . . guess I am putting that to the test and seeing if in growth I can be thankful*.

*I don't think the goal is happy. I think the goal is joy and thankfulness.

the Five Minute Date

2011-08-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

Something happened when I had my "I am healthy" revelation. I felt horrible the next day. Big, gross and like my clothes didn't fit. And then I had another revelation- I have to choose Thankfulness and Joy.

If left to my own devices I am a pretty snarky and sharp person. I can be sunny with the best of them but my optimism runs out by noon and I am left not really liking anyone and least of all myself. I can find the worst and ugliest in every part of myself and I am far more comfortable in that spot than any other. There is some quote about smiling being hard and frowning being easy- That pretty much embodies me. And for too long I have taken the easy route (re: frowny).

Being sad and grumpy about my body, money, amount of time alone with Charlie and too short of naps does absolutely nothing to help me grow closer to God, closer to Charlie or into a better Mama. So, what is the point in it? It feels good to wallow, to be bummed and to give into every desire I have to sabotage my health and joy. But I know I am made for joy and made to pick it up and put it on every morning. Some days it is easy and light, other times I know it will be a fight.

Starting a few days ago I have been choosing to feel less. . . stabby and more. . . smiley and though sometimes if feels like a joke, most of the time it actually works after a little bit. And rubs off on Nolie and on Charlie too.

Another awesome thing that happened recently was the discovery of The Five Minute Date. Charlie and I were walking without Nolie for about five minutes and we had So.Much.Fun. I danced around and he took some pictures, we chatted, laughed and just enjoyed each others company solidly for a few minutes. It was awesome. We were able to reconnect, look each other in the eyes, kiss slowly (and without tiny eyes watching) and play. We are making this a goal for our everyday life. To take those Nolie free minutes (nap time, independent play, after bed time, etc.) and just focus on one another in a way that can feel hokey but results in giddy-newlove-glee! feelings.

Here are some more pictures from our 5 minute date-a-palooza. In case you can't tell- I am totally embracing my body and soaking up some fun doing it. I think that even a week ago I wouldn't have done this. . . "someone will see me!" "I can't dance." "I look gross in skirts this short." "DON'T take that picture!" This time? so much fun. The whole time.

I heartily encourage you to give a Five Minute Date a shot. Even if you are tired and even if you aren't in a great mood it can do wonders to decide, together, to focus on one another and give for a moment. And more than that take charge of your mood and focus. Thankfulness, thankfulness, thankfulness.

settling.

2011-08-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

I have lamented my weight, arm size, belly's size, thigh size and everythingelsesize for so long. I am not someone who loses weight easily. Working out and eating healthfully do not a size four make, for me. Working out like crazy and keeping my caloric intake at 1400 do create some change but still, not much.

I have realized, fairly recently, that the lie I tell myself is that I am doing it all so I can be "healthy". That if I were smaller then I would be healthy. If I didn't have a little belly (arm,butt,thigh,everything) then I would be healthy. That is a lie.

I can run for 4 miles and feel good when I am finished (and that will be up to six miles by the end of this month! 10k, here I come!).

I can carry Nolie around all day and bounce her all nap time (two hours) and still feel capable of washing all the dishes after I make the dinner.

I can plan, shop for and make healthy veggie filled meals nightly. And I do, do this!

I can water, weed and tend my garden and pull out great food from it and put it directly on our plates.

I can dance.

I can sing.

I can jump and hop.

I think my body is settled. This is the size I fall into when I am healthy and happy. Happiness and eating are tied together for me- when I am happy I am baking, cooking and drink concocting with friends and family. And, when I am healthy, I am about 5-10lbs bigger than I deem "healthy".

For years I have told myself that the reason for hating my body, beating it with (excessive)exercise and dieting was because I wanted to be honoring Gods gift and design. I used God as a means to make myself feel like it was right to have this off balance view of how important my size was. I am realizing, partially thanks to the 1000 gifts book, that Thankfulness for my body is not conditional. I am thankful for how strong my legs feel when we push up that last hill no matter how big they are. I am thankful for my back holding me up when I stand and bounce Nolie for hours on end. I am thankful for the curve of waist to hip that serves as a perfect seat when my girl is scared and needs to be held. My body is made well and a gift at this size. I think God has settled and made me this size on purpose. Not as a mistake. And that? big news to me.

There would be nothing healthy about me not eating lunch at the table with Nolie because I need to "save my calories" for dinnertime. There would be nothing healthy about me forgoing a night of cuddling with Charlie in bed while we read our books because I didn't run far enough that morning. There might be a size four at the end of all of that, but health? not so much.

My body is healthy and strong and getting more fit every day. It has settled at a size and weight that I am realizing isn't so bad. It isn't my "ideal" but it is the place that I am in when I am healthy in mind and fit in body.

I am settling into this size and space and feeling pretty darn good about it. After running four miles yesterday and then drinking a delicious mojitto with friends in our back yard it hit me- This is health.

Balance is health. I believe that God is bringing me into a season of balance and it is so good. Balancing motherhood and self. Balancing Love and relationship with growth and refinement. And- giving a lot of control up and letting balance come in the wake of that.

I think some pages are turning and possibly chapters are ending in the book of my battle with body. I couldn't be happier with the conclusions.

hair help!

2011-07-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

I cut my own bangs. Botched my own bangs and nearly cut off my ponytail the other(yester)day. I need a change! I have a cut scheduled for Aug.18th and I am vacillating between keeping it long and just getting a trim OR. . . cutting it all off. I have donated before and am considering doing that again because I have an insane amount of crazy thick and healthy hair. But, what to do? I have been everywhere with hair and every color too- but I want something cute, stylish and EASY.

Here is some hair history. . .

LONG

MEDIUM

SHORTER MEDIUM

SHORT (right after I donated 13 inches, post honeymoon!)

I don't know what to do?! Help!

on my heart.

2011-07-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

I envision a future filled with footy pajama feet padding around a big room full of bookcases. Trips to the library with a gaggle of my babies, with books spilling over their arms. A bed room with bunks stacked to the top and kisses and books and nursing one after another till the room is quiet. Thick with whispers between sibling lips.

I think of future babies, of nursing and crying about how perfect those little rosebud lips are. Of fat fingers and staggering first steps.

I relive Nolie all over again and ache and ache for her to just slow down a little. And am thankful for the solo toddler hood I am getting to have with her. Not sharing my arms or breasts with another baby yet. However, I am sharing my heart already with all her siblings to come. That is becoming evident.

I close my eyes and see kids piled around a big butcher block table eating and gabbing, puzzle playing and coloring.

It is days like the past few that fill me with excitement and anticipation. The thankfulness that pours out for how great it is that Love seems to fill any empty crevice of my heart-bank account-and arms. That there won't be a "perfect" time for another baby but there will be a time.

I love that every few months God cracks me open and reveals to me, even more, how much he is readying my heart for the multiplication of new love. I spent at least Nolie's first year, nearly convinced, that there wasn't room for another. But I feel that tug, again, that there is room. Endless room to be filled.

*FYI: Not pregnant and not trying. Just excited for when the time comes.

Getting Dressed {eleven}

2011-07-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

Zoo trip in the Thunder! Lighting! and Pouring rain. Welcome to PNW Summer 2011. I really don't mind our gloomy summer, I would take this over a heat wave any day. And, hopefully, it means that we will have a beautiful sunny September. A little heat and some crunchy leaves? Don't mind if I do.

We went to the Zoo on our Anniversary to celebrate how awesome love and marriage is with Nolie. We plan to include her in our celebrating ever year (pulling her out of school and taking the day off for everyone!). Anniversaries are a big deal. Being married. Staying married and making our vows and commitment to one another the priority over ourselves is a huge and important lesson- One that we want Nolie to learn about early and get to enjoy in the celebrating of it.

We arrived at the zoo and the weather looked like it might just turn out OK. . .

It wasn't. . . the Thunder started when we were checking out the Penguins. (Pen-ginnns!!) And the rain began pouring right around the time we were grinning at the Sloth Bear (Bay-OH!). But we are Seattlites through and through- the rain didn't phase us. Well, it bothered Charlie a little but Nolie and I were all smiles.

Just your typical July 25th outfit. . .

vest: Old Navy

Shirt: Boden for Nordstroms

Skirt and Tights: Hand-me-down from Summer

Shoes: Salt Water Sandals (Thanks Hayley!)

I think starting her early on the whole Socks with Sandals deal will really help her fit in in the long run. Right?

I went more for the "fake" summertime look that is pretty prevalent here in the Northwest. It includes a heavy jacket and goose bumped legs. Daily.

Jacket: J.Crew

Shirt: F21

Skirt: H&M

Shoes: Target

Bag: Fossil (Nordstroms, my Diaper Bag and an awesome gift from my Mom)

Bangs: my own toddler cut (kitchen scissors!) creation that I will never make the mistake of doing again. Shameful.

The Zoo was a big hit with Nolie. Thankfully we have a Zoo Pass (Thanks Mom and Dad!) and so going and not staying too long isn't a waste. We have found that the perfect zoo visit is no longer than an hour and a half and about five animals. Nolie would gladly just stay at the Penguins the entire time though. And next time we will skip the Komodo Dragon.

{why do I make that face SO often???}

you take me the way I am.

2011-07-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

Three years ago tonight I took my best friend and married him. I had no idea, at that time, that I could grow trust, love, respect and transparency with a depth that I thought was impossible.

On our honeymoon we walked in the surf, ate decadent meals and went running on hot roads with Jurassic park'esque back drops. But one night sticks out to both of us as the most relaxed, loved and easy night we have ever had.

Tonight we are going to recreate our favorite honeymoon night. We have washed the sheets and put the fluffiest comforter on the bed. The computer is all set up with a few DVD's of old Office episodes at the ready and there is a bottle of Champagne chilled and waiting. Our flutes from the wedding (a gift from Tiffany's) are washed and waiting. Tonight we will stay up late and cuddle in tight, watch one too many episodes and not stop till the bottle is dry.

And come the next free weekday we have together we will be heading over to the DMV and SS Office and I will legally take Charlie's last name.

Dear Charlie,

I would risk it and give it all again, in a heartbeat.

Love, Autumn (almost) Meyer

How could I forget??

2011-07-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

I said goodbye to a great friend last weekend.

{I, ubber illegally, snagged a picture of the leading man}

I watched the movie while I drank a mimosa the size of my head.

{pun: this was called a Pulp Fiction and Charlie had a Donnie Daiquiri}

This theatre near my parents house holds nearly all of my movie memories. Being dropped off in High School to see movies with friends and acting as though we had driven there.

Going to the midnight showing of the very first Harry Potter movie with Charlie and, rather clumsily, holding his hand.

And now, drinking a super great drink in the newly renovated 'cinnebar' theatre. It was a vast improvement in drinks-decor and seats. But I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the old theatre.

Also, I loved this final installment of HP and pretty much lived for the last five minutes of the movie. And cried my eyes out over all those ginger kids boarding the train to Hogwarts. I would totally watch a new installment of HP the "new generation" - and yes, I watched Saved By the Bell: College Years too.

motherhood induced claustrophobia

2011-07-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

I feel like a jerk. When Charlie comes home it is all I can do to not, literally, toss Nolie into Charlie's arms. She is going through a clinger stage and wants nothing to do with being off of me, unless we are with other kids, for even a moment. She is scared of everything from airplanes to warm towels and a sighting or hearing of any of her fears and she is paralyzed in worry and screeching for "MAMAMAMAMAMA". While I feel for her and ache when she is scared (even when it is of a fireplace, what the heck?) I am getting a little overwhelmed by the grabby neediness.

I would liken this to a newborn but it is so far from it. She isn't just on me, she is holding-pinching-rubbing-kissing and climbing me. She isn't cuddling and still she is hanging and swinging. The real clincher in the claustrophobic feeling is that this isn't ceasing at nighttime.

She is cutting two teeth and having a rough time sleeping. She is fine as long as she is in my lap and latched on. For hours.

The other downside is that because she is so attached to me all day she is getting closer to me and even less inclined to find comfort in Charlie when he comes home. Crying for Mama and only Mama. This wears on me and breaks Charlies heart.

I know this is a stage, I know that this will come to an end and she will play independently again and find comfort in cuddling Charlie sometime soon. But for now, I am feeling like a punk for wanting to put her down. Wanting to unlatch her when I know it will end in crying and wanting to run like a crazy person from the house at the end of the day and hope that Charlie and Nolie will just figure it out.

Luckily, for everyone, I have been getting lots of breaks and alone time. I am learning that for me to be an attached and present parent through this hard time I need to make a very focused effort to refill myself so I can pour out for Nolie. Tomorrow starts a four day weekend for Charlie. We are going thrifting on a hunt for a big wardrobe, out on a dinner date to celebrate our three year anniversary and possibly going to the Zoo with Nolie. I know that this time of closeness, oneness and filling up will be what gets me through this stage.

That and nap time. Praise GOD for nap time.

turn around.

2011-07-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

Today we are trying to get back into the swing of things after an incredible vacationy weekend. Nolie is teething and sad, I am missing Charlie and wishing we lived closer to family and Charlie is at work. . . bums all the way around.

After a grouchy morning I decided to turn it around- we played dress up. Nolie put on layer after layer of her new hand-me-down clothes and I was adorned with every necklace we could find. Then we had a Lady Gaga Dance party. Nolie has become quite the dancer over the past few weeks, she has perfected "the arm dance", "the bootay dance" and "SPIN!" It is incredible what a little wiggling and jumping can do for my mood. And hers too.

We are well on our way, especially now that she is napping(!) to shaking this funk and getting back to our non-mope selves.

However, I do wish I was at Top Pot donuts with this crowd of ladies today.

Isn't Indy kissing Nolie the cutest thing ever? That girl is one great big cousin.

Getting Dressed {ten}

2011-07-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

I love weddings. I adore the vows, the cake, the dances, the wine and most of all the kiss.

The day of the wedding Charlie and I went shopping at H&M- I hit jackpot. Huge sales! I snagged this dress for $10 and couldn't be happier with it!

Charlie and I spent nearly the whole day together, alone. It was so fabulous. The ferry ride was a blast, and the wedding was beautiful and fun. But the best times were at the ferry dock just playing and goofing around. I am so in love.

Dress: H&M

Shoes: Nordstroms

Saturday I spent the most time away from Nolie that I have ever. I missed her but it was such needed alone time. A week from today we will celebrate three years of marriage, only a blink of time I know. But I am beyond excited for the next 70 too. What an incredible weekend.

excited again!

2011-07-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

This week. . . I watched Nolie wander up and down an isle of strawberry plants eating her weight in soft red "rah-bies". I met with women who are kind and wear easy smiles. I wrote by hand for long enough that I got a cramp in my wrist. I ran miles and miles. I read nearly a whole book. I watched a movie in a theatre (with Charlie, for the first time in two years!) while I drank a mimosa as big as my head and held Charlies sweet hand. I lamented the end of Harry. I shopped and tried on clothes. I attended a beautiful wedding and cried and remembered how perfect my own wedding was. I thought about vows, so much.
I hugged my sweet nieces who have aged a lifetime in maturity and loveliness over the past two months. I indulged, indulged and indulged some more- In time alone, time with Charlie, time vegging out, time eating sweets and time just being still. I accepted help and gifts and it was so good.

I feel clearer in a lot of ways. The birthday came and went and I don't feel anxious about the age, it seems inconsequential when I think of everything else happening. I had a wonderful birthday filled with everything I wanted. Family, time with Charlie alone, ice cream cake and champagne.

I still feel unsettled in a lot of ways too. Maybe even more ways than I did last week. Time to think, time to write and time to pray has left me with lots of questions and feeling unsettled. But growth comes from being unsettled, right?

Also, after reading all of the information and talking entirely too much about this. . . I am going to be a part of the Blogher add network. It will start out with just a little bar across the top of my page ( I think? Tech jargon is not my speak) and not affect anything else. I am kind of psyched about this. I won't make much more than maybe the cost of a cup of a cup of (black)coffee each month, but still. . . it is super exciting.

I will be back to writing, sharing and over sharing soon. Tomorrow most likely! And I have an outfit post I will put up too- BEST deal dress ever. I am excited. This might betray me as kind of lame and really geeky, but- I really missed blogging.

Also? We colored, so much.

blogging break.

2011-07-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

{picture credit, this ladies awesome partner}

This week I am going to take a break. I feel like I am having some kind of quarter life identity crisis.

I have a dear friend who made a decision, that is wholly hers to make, and I am having a really hard time being OK with it. It has kind of struck me in the face what a hypocrite I am and now I am having a hard time reconciling what I want to believe vs. what I do believe. Sorry to be so cryptic, but the story isn't mine so telling it seems like a betrayal.

I am also reading this book. And, while I don't make a habit of recommending books that I am only 100pgs into or books that are written by Christian authors. . . I think you should read it. But it is kind of shaking me up and making life a little unsettled right now too. Growth is hard. Being made aware of how fallen and lame I can be is hard. Once again, growth is hard.

Also, we had a big garage sale at our house yesterday and I am so tired from it. The last load is ready to go to Goodwill (no thanks to me, Charlie way to go!) and Charlie has gotten everything put back in place. But we are still tired and reeling from all the set up/clean up and stress from it. Still, it was super fun and very worthwhile.

Another thing that is weighing heavily is some blog stuff. I have some opportunities that have presented themselves (add network? paid posts semi-regularly? whattttttt?) and I am really agonizing about whether or not to take them. It is no secret that we could use the extra wiggle room money but I don't want to lose what this blog has been about. . . a really honest portrayal of motherhood, marriage and me. I want to keep feeling like this is a memoir, not a paid advertisement or product placement. So I am kind of at a loss.

And lastly, my birthday is on Friday. . . and I want to have worked through some of this stuff by then. I want to have a blast on my 25th. My sister is visiting and my two sweet nieces. I miss those girls more than I have words for and spending the day with them will be bliss. Also, we are going to go and see a movie (the second in two years!) and I get to pick out something (within a budget) from Anthropologie too. It will be an incredible birthday. But I need some time before it to be put back together.

So, Charlie is working to figure out how I can get some alone time each evening or morning (out of the house) and we are going to pick up a new little journal for me. I just need to read and write by hand and pray some hard words this week. So, see you next week. With a clear head, bigger heart and hopefully a full journal.

Eat It!

2011-07-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

Mexican Pizza, eat this tonight. You will thank me.

Homemade Dough makes the difference with pizza, and it is easy and super fast.

Dough:
2 cups flour
1 cup warm water
1pkgs (or 2.25 teaspoons) yeast
a generous glug of olive oil
a big pinch of salt

Toppings:
Use enchilada sauce as your sauce base
Mix cooked quinoa with black refried beans and corn (spread on top of the sauce)
Add peppers and onion (don't sautee them first)
Whole black beans
Cheddar (or pepper jack!)

Bake on a hot pizza stone at 425 for roughly 20 minutes
Drizzle with plain yogurt.

You are welcome.

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

We celebrated with s'mores, "burgers", potatoes, skewers, sangria and some silliness.

Ok America, you officially have the cutest inhabitant ever.

snapshots.

2011-06-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Today Nolie got into a box I haven't looked through in ages. She pulled out all sorts of junk and envelopes, unsent thank you cards and some bobby pins but then she hit gold. Photos.

When Nolie was about four months old I did a huge photo print and chose every favorite photo from the past four months and printed them all out and plastered them all over my fridge, walls and as book marks. Somehow through our last move (not this most recent one) the photos got boxed and never made it out.

None of them are particularly great (quality wise), but they are some of my favorite photos ever. From my favorite memories.

This is when she was five days old, our first outing as a family. We got breakfast at our favorite spot and she slept through the whole thing on Charlie. This was the first day the fog of birth had lifted and I fell so hard in love with my husband in his new role.

This is from a walk when Nolie was 8 weeks old. It was the first time we used the stroller and I had never felt more free. It was probably one of the first times I hadn't had her on me in those 8 weeks and I won't forget how beautiful, full and loved I felt walking on the boardwalk with my coffee and my family. This was one of the first times it hit me, I am living my dream.

This is from just before Christmas, Nolie was about three weeks old and I was exhausted. I could sleep anywhere, anytime and I did. Those naps in our warm little cave home with the christmas lights and old music playing are such a dream.

I just don't want to forget these pieces. I was looking through a facebook album of Nolie's first little bit and I already have forgotten so much of the back story. I know I will never forget the floating, miracle bliss that I felt those first two weeks with her but there are a million other moments I never want to lose. I am going to post pictures every now and again with just the memory attached to it- of exactly how she is right in that moment.

entitlement {budget}

2011-06-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

{you are leaving me to go and see a movie?! say, what??}

Maybe it is something about my age group (twenty-thirty somethings) or maybe it is the crisis that is our job market? Whatever it is it has made a big huge group of entitled, annoying, needy and "deserving" adults who spend-spend-spend even when it goes way beyond our means. I am talking about myself here, by the way. I have felt like I should be "allowed" stuff for so long. Like I "deserve" new clothes all the time. I convince myself that I "earned" this-that-or the other just because I am living. . . what the heck?

A big overhaul we had to make in budgeting was in my thinking. My day was so rough-long-hard I deserve a ______________ (bottle of wine, dinner out, new shoes, new look, pretty necklace, bar of chocolate, etc.) , type of thinking. Or, worse yet, my justification thinking. I am the queen of justifying spending. I did well on my finals! Dress. I am embracing my postpartum body! Jeans. I ate at home and cooked healthy meals and worked out all week long! Dinner and drinks out. I am tired and am the care giver all day long! Anything I want.

That type of thinking is a budget ruiner. In one quick purchase the whole month of food budgeting is blown. I think there are two keys to avoiding this kind of spending.

One: Plan to spend a little on yourself each week or month. If you feel deprived all of the time then you are likely to splurge on something big because you "never do anything for yourself". If you can set aside a few dollars (seriously, no more than that!) each week then getting that latte or bar of chocolate is sanctioned and not going to make bill paying impossible. I do this by skimping on my groceries each week, it is like a game to see how under budget I can be (while still feeding us well). Or another way to treat yourself, and make yourself feel good is to budget time, I do this especially when I don't have extra budget money. I have been setting aside a couple of nights a week to go running by myself after Nolie is in bed (and Charlie is home). In twenty minutes and zero dollars I feel better about myself and more fulfilled. And I think fulfillment is often what we are looking for in those jeans or glasses of wine.

Two: Plan ahead for something "big". I think that anticipation can be the best thing for saving. For example, July is a big month at our house. Charlie and I both turn 25 and we are celebrating our 3 year anniversary. So to make celebrating that an option we have been saving-saving-saving our extra pennies all year long, so that we can splurge on gifts, dinner, drinks and a movie! (HP the final comes out on my birthday! We=geeks!). It is easier to opt out of spending extra money when I can say "no dinner out tonight means more money for birthday goodies!" We have an amount set that we can spend (and it includes the Gas to get to Seattle and back along with some wiggle room for treating other people too) and it is kind of fun to work with in that. Spending feels so much better when there isn't guilt tied to it.

I struggle a lot with feeling entitled to spending. I think that being a SAHM and being sleep deprived have a lot to do with it. But just realizing that trap and then making some steps forward in avoiding those money pitfalls can do wonders for feeling better about eating quinoa and beans (again) in order to have some fun in the future. And let me tell you, July is going to be LOADED with fun!

Getting Dressed {nine}

2011-06-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

Here is the typical, the day-to-day.

Jeans and Dress: F21

Sweater: J.Crew

Socks: Silly boutique in Cannon Beach, Or (a pair plus a spare!)

Ring: Gift from this lovely

LIST

1. I live in these socks. I have two pairs (so six socks!) and they are the best.

2. This is what Summer in the PNW looks like. . . sweater and heavy socks a lot of the time.
3. I wear glasses for reading/internetting. Geeky?
4. Did you know I have a tiny tattoo?
5. Can you believe there are no pictures of Nolie in this WHOLE post?

We have been eating well around here. . . Summer brings along with it our CSA and that means GOOD EATS!!

Rosemary (from our garden!) Chicken

Salad (greens from our garden!) with roasted beets and carrots (CSA!)

and local bread.

Loaded Nachos!

With homemade Pico De Gallo (not pictured) and lots of Spinach.

I love that most of our dinners have fewer than ten ingredients and are filled with foods from our backyard and within 10miles of us. I am constantly astounded at how delish is is to eat simply, wholly and like a farmer. I love this part of Summer time.

seven year itch.

2011-06-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

(us at 18- shiny and new)

Almost like clockwork it descended. A nagging, something is up, feeling. The same one that led me to the discovery of porn on our computer. The same one that had me asking more questions that led to answers I never would have believed. A sick, pit falling out, why-oh-why feeling.

In May Charlie and I celebrated seven years of togetherness. And with that comes the building of seven years of growing comfortable. For the most part that comfort is welcome and beautiful. Paving our evenings with easy silence and easier conversation. Filling our family visits with knowing glances and conversations held between our eyes. But there is a side of that comfort that is ugly. And in that ugliness is discontentment.

The "spark" is dull, the butterflies are rare and the shiny new'ness is obliterated by a toddler. We aren't in the honeymoon phase anymore and for some reason, right around that seven year mark, it became loud and clear that we needed to notice each other.

I am not a believe in 'soul mates' I think that there are probably 100's of men that I could connect with and have fairly successful marriages with, I do however know that I chose Charlie. And in that choice I rest. I know that God ordained our marriage and brought us, specifically, together and there is a deep respect that we both have for that moving- but I also know that we both have to choose, daily, each other. And that is something that we have started to do out of habit, not out of love.

The catalyst for all of this was a crush (two, actually). Each of us, harboring confusing-weird-whattheheck feelings for another person. Both of us seemed adrift and confused. "why do I feel this?" "how do I tell Charlie(autumn)?" "does this mean anything?"

Thankfully neither of us are great at keeping anything from each other and we both came clean quickly about these feelings of wanting that new'ness. Wanting that giddy new love feeling. The feelings we had at 17 when we were baby-free and anxious about our first kisses (with each other). Here we were wondering if it was all but lost in these days of nursing non stop (not exactly sexy) and poop wiping. We talked and cried and went on and on and on about what all of this means and what to do about it. Coming mainly to the conclusion that these feelings aren't wrong, but what we do with them is the crux of the issue.

Harboring them and keeping them secret only grows them into something huge, something based not on the "other person" but on the stress of secret keeping. The "crush" feeling seems to only be born out of wanting that thrill again and finding someone else attractive, the hugeness of the desire or feeling isn't coming from any genuine feeling for that person but more from how huge the situation grows in our heads because we are keeping something from each other. We were turning something that should be a wake up call to be more communicative, content and affectionate into a scary secret that got more juicy (and stressful) with every day that went on.

The further we got into talking about this the more love and comfort grew between us. Talking this out and realizing, yet again, that we are so in love and committed to one another that we don't want these weird fleeting crush feelings to inhabit our relationship even for a day (or a week), was the best thing to come of this. The conversation(s) about this have done wonders for reminding us of the traits in each other that are unique to us and are attractive beyond all get-out.

All this to say. . . marriage is really tough. We have to stay constantly in community with one another. Not just talking about the day to day but about what is aching in us and what is plaguing us. Talking about joys and realizations, what we are reading and what we are thinking- Not focusing only on talking about tasks. Dinner, diapers, phone calls, planning and blahblahblah. The more we spend that time looking at each other and talking deeply the more it feels electric on every point of contact.

I know we are progressing. I know we are being broken and grown. Pruned and honed. I am thankful for this season despite the work and tears that it has brought with it. I am thankful, even more, for the thrill I felt as Charlie held my hand this afternoon while we drove the baby around to get her a nap. The thrill in that moment, we can swing on the momentum of our conversations and still redhot desire that we lost for a moment but found in our commitment.

daily life.

2011-06-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

I took these pictures hoping for one cute one. Instead I ended up with a string of, kind of unflattering, pictures that so accurately portray my day to day.

I love my job.

My little boss isn't to bad either.

all together now.

2011-06-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

We had a five night string of nearly complete sleeplessness. Nolie was waking for hours (like, 6) at a time and just wailing and wailing that she wanted to play, at two in the morning. To say it took it out of me (and Charlie!) would be the understatement of the century. I was sobbing in the middle of the night. Angry at God for not just letting her sleep (and me too!) and short tempered with Charlie all day long even though he was baring the brunt of the nighttime parenting.

I questioned every Mama I knew, "why?!" and my own Mom "seriously, WHY??", trying to figure out what was up with Nolie. I have come to the conclusion that it was a developmental glitch and she just needed to extra time with us and to be reminded that no matter what she tries, night time will still be night time. And that we will still be there, no matter how frustrated or tired we may be.

While I think it was Nolie related, I think it is even more that I needed to learn a lesson. Kids are possibly the biggest tools for learning out there and God seems to use Nolie to teach me more than any other person/thing/experience ever. Since getting pregnant I feel like every new stage and milestone in her life has brought with it huge shifts and "aha!" for me in my relationship with God, myself, Charlie and others.

I am great at offering help. I like to make meals, drop off care packages, watch kids, clean up and be an ear to people whenever I can. However, I don't like to accept any of those things. And I especially don't like to ask for them, ever- At all.

But when we got to night five and the following day I was nearly sobbing during a run because Charlie and I were arguing over an Office quote (yes, seriously) I knew that I had hit the end of my rope. And I finally had to say "yes! help! I need it! I can't do it." and in descended the troops. Friends offering me cleaning, childcare and meals (I took up a friend on a meal and it was the best decision ever, so good and filling for my heart and body). And I got plans in place for what to do if the sleeplessness continued. And God was watching out for me via a sweet blog friend who sent off a (couldn't have had better timing!) Starbucks gift card to me that arrived just in time to keep me off the ledge.

I finally allowed others to care for me and myself to admit that I really couldn't do it. And in that I found so much rest. I hope that this is a lesson I can remember and not have to get to my breaking point again before I wave the white flag.

Thank you friends. Thank you Mamas. Thank you Mom. Thank you Rachael. And (big) thank you Charlie for sticking by me while I totally lost it, on multiple occasions.

**Last night the streak was broken and she only woke twice for short times (totally normal for her) and was able to nurse back to sleep- it felt like bliss. **

Christian Mama friends. . .

2011-06-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have an incredible group of Mama friends. I know I could ask them for a helping hand, child care, meals, coffee or just a sympathetic ear and they would be there in a heartbeat. I am ever thankful for that.

But making friends is hard. I love my Mamas but the one place that we part ways is the topic that I am struggling with the most. How to talk to Nolie about God. When to start and how to start telling her about what we (Charlie and I) believe and how to give her information and bible stories without scaring her, indoctrinating her or just giving her a memorized faith. I need close Christian Mom friends. A Christian Mama group?

But, for some reason lots of Christian moms seems more elite, excluding and "full" than any other group of Moms. I know quite a few christian Mamas who seem totally incredible. Crunchy enough to get along well with, nice kids and parenting practices that fall outside the "growing kids Gods way" norm that I avoid like the plague. And yet, I can't seem to break in.

I don’t think this is because all Christian Moms don’t like me, or are too busy- part of it is a pickiness on my own part. A lot of what is the norm in Christian parenting culture deviates hugely from how I parent- and, how I think I should parent (or how anyone should parent for that matter).

I think another part of it is out of fear. Christians seem, by in large, to be an ironically judgey group (myself totally included) and I worry about how I will come off. That makes me end up being a complete weirdo and not myself when ever I am around a group of Christian mamas. I also hesitate over being as honest/open as I am with my other Mom friends because a lot of my problems and past issues aren't exactly "church friendly" - as in, they make people uncomfortable because it means talking about sex and insecurities, both of which can be mute issues in church communities.

I know how messed up this is. That within that circle of Mamas in particular that there should be even more honesty, vulnerability and love but for some reason I just can't seem to get over myself enough to get into it. I don't call these moms enough, or ask to come to things enough. I don't go out of my way, very far, in order to see them- out of fear.

I need to just suck it up. My pride. My fear. My insecurity. And, my worry about how they will perceive me. For the sake of Nolie, myself and my parenting. Boldness is the name of the game.

* I do have a couple of awesome Christian mama friends, but I am greedy and want a whole play date of them.

proof of evolution.

2011-06-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

Nolie has a long lost sister.

weekend update.

2011-06-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

I had high hopes for Fathers' Day. A big homemade breakfast, a nice church service and lots of yard work (Charlie's choice) followed by some alone time for Papa and maybe a bike ride.
Instead it looked like this. . .

A super sick Mama who needed constant care. Charlie spent a better part of the day tucking me in, making me toast, warming up a hot water bottle, bringing me water and listening to my incessant whining. I should have guessed I would get sick, considering the day before this looked a little like this. . .

Charlie and I (and some awesome local Mamas!) participated in the Seattle Survivor Mudrun. It was insane. We were actually swimming through mud at one point and then rolling through manure at another. I can't wait to do it again next year, but I do hope we have nicer weather. It poured rain the whole time and I am pretty certain I caught the death flu there.

Luckily, today has been better. It looked like this. . .

A delish meal almost completely (other than the chicken) made up of food from our fabulous CSA that started this past week!

A a little girl who looks like she is practicing for her kindergarten picture.

Thank goodness we have Nolie who, other than not sleeping, is easy peasy and makes our days so full of light. We got through a rough fathers day with a little more smiling thanks to that little wonder.

this just happened. . .

2011-06-17T17:31:00.000-07:00

Nolie aged three years in about five snips.

Whenever I imagined having a little girl, this is what I pictured. A short little bob and short little bangs. I am raising the girl of my dreams.

Nolie, welcome to toddlerhood. World, watch out.

big love.

2011-06-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

Nolie is has new words every day and getting quirkier by the moment. How do I slow this down? How can I keep everything she says fresh in my mind forever?

Last night she slept through the night for the first time ever. I woke up at 5 to a little voice saying "Mama, nurse Nomie? Nurse Nomie?" as she padded around the bed finding her spot between us.

I want to bottle her up. Freeze time and always be able to come back to these moments.

Each afternoon as I sit in the nap time silence I come back to pictures like these ones. I used to stare at photos trying to find myself or Charlie in them. My nose, his hair, my lips and his chin- But now I see these pictures and know my girl well enough to see nothing but Nolie. Her quirky face and winky eyes, her toothy grin and tiny feet- my girl is coming into her own. And I love her so much.

{winking}

I wish, and wish to slow this down. I ache when I look back on old videos and pictures because no part of me can pull up the feeling of holding a six pound Nolie. It seems like at the end of each stage all that is left are pictures, the weight-feeling-reality is lost and all I can see is that moment of newness in her.

She is on the cusp and teetering into full blown kid. Naming her animals and babies, having specific tastes and desires, and more than that- Sharing them with me.

I am so in love. I am more head-over-heels than I ever thought I could be. How can one heart contain so much? I think the cracking and growing of my love for her must be audible it is so big.

I love you Nolie. 18 months old and going strong.

um, scary.

2011-06-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know hardly any other local (PNW) bloggers but I would love to! So I am going to jump out of my comfort zone and GO!

You should too!! (and tell me! sit by me? be my friend?)

aging.

2011-06-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

I found my first wrinkle. It is on my neck, and prominent. And, comfortingly (because she has aged beautifully), in the same place as my Moms first wrinkle. She remembers finding hers too. And just knowing that she remembers and didn't laugh at me was more comforting than any other response.

I am one month out from 25 and . . . feeling old (?). The bags under my eyes are more an indicator or Nolie's sleep patterns than they are baggage from my years, but still- I looked in the mirror in the morning and am starting to look my age, and then some. Lack of sleep or consistent meal times has done a number on me. Nolie has singlehandedly put about five years on me and my not getting dressed or wearing makeup much of the time isn't helping my case much.

I spent a solid week being bummed about my wrinkle and feeling like I was on the down hill slope to ancient. 25 is a big one, and is kind of a milestone number. One of those birthdays that you think about when you are young(er) and wonder what you will have accomplished by then. Where you will have traveled and lived and who you will love. I am blessed enough to be pretty much exactly where I want to be, and where I dreamt of being, at 25 (only we send a rent check instead of a mortgage) and yet. . . something about big birthdays just sets us up for feeling like failures. Even if you aren't. And I am not, and Charlie is not- are thriving, growing, changing and aging.

I have always looked a little old for my age, my sister and I have been mistaken for twins or very close in age siblings despite there being nine years separating us. Granted, she still looks about 18 so maybe it isn't so bad. But now? I think I am starting to look a little older. . .

I am OK with getting older, excited actually. These next five (ten, fifteen, twenty) years are going to be incredible. The past year or two has been pretty life changing and exciting and I expect nothing less from the next few. I like upheaval and change and along with aging comes those things- and for that, I am thankful.

25, You sound so old, but I am going to own you! I think 25 will hold some big and exciting changes for our family, and I am so excited to start them! We are going to kick off this big year with a party- my first birthday party since elementary school. I think throwing myself (and Charlie, we are nearly birthday twins) a big-fat-sangria filled birthday celebration in my new little home is a perfect way to welcome in a year that I am sure will be full of change, growth, fun and more wrinkles.

romance.

2011-06-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

I get caught up in thinking that there isn't romance left in us. That that falling feeling is gone and butterflies are few and far between. We don't have loud infatuation pulling at all the strings and bowling us over with racing hearts and awkward hands. But it seems if I can slow down and close my eyes, in a quite room I am overwhelmed with our romance. Now it is quiet, nearly still. No rushing train of feeling, but a slow building of being filled. We have found romance here.

Here in the night when he gets up from bed to rock a sad girl back to sleep. Here in the night when he does that again.

Here in the mornings when he sets out my coffee or makes enough oats for me too. Here when he changes, reads to and cuddles the baby while I get extra shut eye.

Here in the callouses on his hands from working tirelessly to keep us afloat.

Here in the way my heart beats faster when our hands mingle in soapy, grimy water while we wash the dishes.

Here in our back yard while the sun hits my back and his hands are black with dirt as we plant our first garden.

Here in how he guides me through the door with one hand on my back.

Here in the swell I feel watching him toss our girl up high.

Here in all the little spaces that go on forgotten until I take that one extra moment to notice.

Here in an extra moment in bed, when he holds me just a little longer even though the kettle is fussing on the stove top.

Don't say no to hand-outs {budget}

2011-06-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

We budget, and our money is pretty tight. I am going to start posting here and there about different things that are working for us when it comes to money saving. It seems like everyone can use a tip or two about how to cut corners.

I thought I would start with something that I struggle with, maybe writing it all down will help me be more accountable to my own rules? Who knows. All I know is for years Charlie and I ate (and I drank) a lot of our money, it was a tasty and fun but a huge money suck. When we got (unexpectedly) pregnant we did a hard look at finances and were shocked at how much money was spent at the grocery store and eating out.

I have been meal planning and strictly food budgeting for about two and a half years now. I feed our family on $30-$45 a week (depending on the Season) and can usually be about $5 under budget each week. Eating healthy and fully on a little budget is very doable.

The obvious first place to start is with Meal Planning. I typically do this on Saturday mornings or Friday nights and plan for the next 5-7 days. I look for meals that have lots of repeat ingredients that can be purchased on the cheap and last for a long time (such as grains like quinoa or cous cous- that we buy in bulk). That way all I need to purchase for the week are the veggies and sauce ingredients (also things that we typically buy in big quantity and just mix together in different ways). My goal is to make multiple things with very few ingredients. We do lots of meals with beans and quinoa and then just use different vehicles to eat them- tortillas, chips, greens or potatoes (sweet potatoes typically). I also buy extra filling breakfast stuff- oats, kiefer, yogurt and eggs. Also, always bring your list to the store, and don't deviate (unless it is for substitutions cauliflower for broccoli because it looks better, that kind of deal)

The next way that we cut out a big portion of our grocery bill is by using a CSA. Because of how we eat our meals are pretty full of veggies, that can get pricey (especially if you are buying local/organic) and our CSA box is chock full of all the stuff we need. We just roast/steam/grill or saute and then add it to a grain and some beans (or, rarely, meat) and our dinner (and lunches) are healthy and super filling. Sadly, we only do a CSA for the Summer season, but a way to stick to savings all year long and still eat well is to go with only in season foods- they are cheaper and always taste better.

The third trick is to make friends at the market. Chat up the egg lady, let your cute baby make eyes at the produce guy and don't hesitate to take them up on a discount because they see you often. Being a local supporter and a frequent buyer comes with perks. Take them!

A huge money suck is meat. After doing some research into factory farming it became pretty obvious to Charlie and I that cheap meat could no longer be a part of our diet if we wanted to maintain our ethics. We research and find farms that offer only humanely certified not feed lot meat (very hard to find, very expensive) and on special occasions we buy meat from them. Another option is to befriend a farmer and purchase a share of an animal. Note: that only works if you have ample freezer space and are a big fan of meat.

A big HUGE budget ruiner is eating out. And even worse is drinking out! (at restaurants a glass of wine is typically priced as the same cost as the full bottle, so that if you are the only glass they sell then they at least break even) I have a bad habit of wanting to eat out whenever things feel rough. The more bummed out I am the more often we are hopping into a pizza place, Thai spot or greasy spoon. Other than just deciding to not eat out (hard) and ruling with an iron fist (not my strong suit) the thing that works the best is faking eating out. We have a few go-to meals that satisfy the tastes of eating out but don't break the bank. For example, if I am wanting takeout Thai and we make a bunch of sauteed veggies, garlic, Israeli cous cous and then cover it in (homemade) peanut sauce.... Mmmm better for you, better flavor and so much better on your bank account! Also, we budget for getting a bottle of wine once a month (or so, depending on extra cash), that helps to add to the 'restaurant' feel.

The last bit of advice is kind of embarrassing. . . don't say no to hand-outs. When our parents offer us a five pound block of tillamook cheese or endless butter (my parents and Charlie's are avid COSTCO shoppers!) we don't turn them down! It is incredible how staple stuff like that can make a huge dent in our weekly budget, and make it possible for us to indulge in ice cream or coffee and feel like we are breaking the bank but while still remaining within our set means.

Well there is a big fat novel about money saving with food. . . any other tips you would add? I can ALWAYS use more ideas! Also if you make it under budget, don't feel bad about putting that money into fun stuff. I try to be under by about $5 every week so that I can justify a great latte out. If I saved that money I would go crazy feeling deprived. This way my "extra"money goes accounted for and I go on feeling satisfied (and caffeinated!) and, as we all know, a happy mama is a happy household.

you are in charge.

2011-06-07T09:18:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am late in the game to be realizing this, but- You can be the parent (or person) that you want to be. The end.

A lot of the parenting choices I make lump me into the natural/intentional/attachment parenting club and I like it there. However, I realized recently how exclusive it is and how elitist the feel can be. And how hard we all make it sound.

Mom's who are 'In' are on a high horse of vinegar cleaning, cloth diapering, extended breast feeding and baby wearing. We frequently complain about how tired, drained or overwhelmed we are and then proceed to post idyllic photos of diapers drying in the wind (I am talking about me here). I read blogs and think, I could never do that and so I continue sitting in whatever rut I have been in. Because changing would be. . . hard.

But the truth is. . . being an awesome, green, attachment and intentional parent is totally DOABLE. So often Mamas get overwhelmed with the idea of something that looks like a lot of extra work. For example, cloth diapering. Not only does it save oodles of money and landfill space but it makes for the cutest fluffy booty on your baby. And it really isn't much extra work, at all. Actually, it seems easier than the terror of running out of diapers and having to actually GO somewhere to get more! I do about one extra load of laundry every two days in order to keep up with Nolie, and when it's sunny I hang dry, otherwise I just dry them like a normal load. It isnt' hard at all once I started doing it. And I think that is the crux to all of this. If we actually start doing, then it clicks that this is possible. We can be the parent who _________ (nurses, diapers, cosleeps, whatever).

Or (extended)breast feeding. While yes, it can feel like a lot of work to still be tied to Nolie pretty often- it is, overall, far easier. I don't have to worry about getting her to eat when she is sick (or dehydration), I don't have to stress about packing enough food/snacks when we go somewhere. I don't have to keep tabs on ten sippy cups, four snack containers and her favorite straw all of the time and I can spend less on milk, juice and excess kid food. Also, I can calm her down quickly and easily out and about or at the doctor and get myself a little extra shut eye in the morning when she crawls into bed to nurse.

For me the big change I had to (still have to most mornings) is to decide to be excited about where I am in life. Decide to have thankful for the stage we are sitting in. And be willing to pick up the "work" that it takes to be the type of parent I want to be even on the mornings that I feel to tired, overwhelmed or annoyed. I so often feel like "I am too tired to be a good Mama today" and that is a cop-out. I am tired, but I am not to tired to suck it up and give my best, because that is what Nolie needs and deserves. That sounds harsh but I feel that it is part of the reality of mothering. And, more often than not, if I 'suck it up' then my mood easily follows and I feel less bombarded with my days chores/errands/plans.

That said, asking for help is the other big lesson I am learning in this whole "I decide how I parent" deal- when it all really is too much and I worry that Nolie is getting far less than what she needs, I ask for help. Maybe a play date to distract me from the long hours, or a visit to my parents on the weekend (that is the best brake EVER) or that Charlie take over fully when he comes home. Regardless, there are ways to find help and making it through till the relief arrives isn't impossible, at all.

Basically it boils down to this.

Being a Mom is hard work. Being a great Mom is even harder work, you are in charge of a whole person- duh. But doing these things and doing them well, isn't impossible and isn't as hard at we all make it sound. You can be a great Mom who 'does it all' and, for me, 'doing it all' starts with changing my attitude. Taking time before I react. Listing to Nolie and asking her questions, giving her language for her feelings and NOT making it all about me.

Believing that I can have a great day, every day. And more than that, that I can choose to be a great parent even on the bad days. I can do that for Nolie and for me, every day is the first step. I get to decide the type of parent I want to be and I get to put that into action. Every.Day.

Knowing that is so freeing. So, go be a cool/awesome/incredible/loving person or Mom today- because you get to be! That is so incredible.

(how has it taken me so long to learn this??)

don't forget me when you're famous

2011-06-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

For some reason Nolie always looks like she is posing for angsty band photos.

I am so in love with her.

work load.

2011-05-31T20:17:00.000-07:00

Being a SAHM is . . .

the best. the hardest. the best. the total worst.

Lately I am coming up against some time management issues. How do I give my fullest and intentional attention to Nolie all of the time, while still managing a household and a budget? This hasn't really been an issue up until now because Nolie has been a total rockstar at entertaining herself. She would hang out in her high chair with a book and a snack and be set while I cleaned the dishes and the kitchen, or prepped dinner. She would zoom her play-mobile car around and talk to 'girl' and 'beebee' while I paid bills and made phone calls. I had it good.

I think our recent move has something to do with it or the developmental stage she is in. She loves her house, runs around sliding on the hardwoods, asks to go outside in her "baaa yarrrr" all afternoon and has been (pretty much) napping and (for the most part) sleeping like a champ. But the big change is in her ability to play alone. She is super needy. Wants me to be reading to her all the time (I know, what a punk kid), building with legos or making her animals all kiss each other. And while I adore doing this for nine hours in a row- I DO need to do some housework.

How often do you just let the tantrums happen and say "no" to one more book or pretend nurse the doll session. . . Is it good to say no? Or is this a short stage and I should just let the phone calls/dishes/dinner go until she sleeps or Charlie is home? I am feeling conflicted.

Today I said no to reading her a book so that I could finish washing the dishes and she totally lost it. I felt like a huge jerk knowing that she could be easily calmed by me reading with her.

I am torn between wanting her to know that work needs to get done and that my work is housework and her work is play and sometimes we both need to be doing those things independently- vs. Knowing that this time is very short in her life and that she IS and should be the center of everything right now, and that she has no concept of waiting or really of time at all.

When she has these melt downs because I say no (they happen often if I say no to nursing), I get down on her level and try to help give her the language for what is going on. For example, I say "I hear that you are very frustrated and upset right now. I know that you would like to _______ but right now Mama needs to ________. You could go and do (or eat) _____ or ______ or _______ but if being upset is what you need to do that is OK." and then I let her know all of she places that she can go and rage in, hit pillows, yell or cry. So far, this isn't changing anything in her "tantrums" ( I kind of hate that word) but I have high hopes that I am giving her validation and the language to tell me how she is feeling in the future.

On a brighter note. . . We do this kind of talking often and about lots of feelings and she just recently started telling me when she feels happy, all of her own accord. Good grief, I love that girl! She ran around the back yard today carrying her book and saying "Teepee, happppy! Book, happppy!" it was even cuter than you could imagine.

By the way, this whole being the primary care giver and all day/all night parenting with love and respect? HARD WORK (especially if you want to do it well)

Getting Dressed {eight}

2011-05-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since one of these, I am feeling kind of sick of my clothes and going though a big getting rid of stuff time. We are planning on having a garage sale soon and so I am pulling out clothes I don't wear often and trying to move on and not think back to "when that fit so well" or "when I had a place to wear that". I am trying to use getting dressed as a way to embrace my day to day- mom- life and still look like myself and comfortable in my clothes.

This outfit follows one of Nolie's cardinal outfit rules- HAND-ME-DOWN!

Sunglasses: F21

Cardigan: This sweet lady!

Skirt: hand me up of a hand me down (I gave it to my sister years ago and then she gave it back!)

boots: kids Hunter (Nordies)

And then there is Nolie... I have far cuter pictures of her, but this one is much more indicative of where we are at right now.

Dress: hand-me-down

pants: (gift) Gap

Socks: Hanna Andersson

TRUE CONVERSATION:

Autumn: I want to get some jeans with a wider leg and a high waist...

Charlie: Like, Mom jeans?

Autumn: NO, trendy jeans. Ones that I can bend down and run around at the park and be comfy in, nurse and lift up my shirt without it showing my whole stomach and not show my butt... and...

Charlie: Mom jeans.

Autumn: yeah.

Welcome Home

2011-05-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

We are so happy.

In abundance.

2011-05-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am learning a lot right now. For the first time, in a very long time, Charlie and I took a big step of faith. We signed the papers saying we were moving in twenty days even though we had NO idea where we would move to or if we could even afford to move.

(packing!)

(the help)

Back story. I have been praying about a home for two and half years. And not just a home but a home with lots of specific things. A yard, washer and dryer, garden space, garage, two bedrooms, a big kitchen, an easy going landlord, a nice and quite neighborhood and charm, lots of charm.

God delivered. We are all moved in and (nearly)all unpacked into my tiny dream home. There is endless yard work to be done and rugs (to cover our old hardwoods!!) to be picked out (and gifted to us by my generous in-laws) but otherwise we are busying ourselves getting this place cozy.

This is such an incredible, and incredibly difficult, stage in our lives. Nolie is 18 months old and trying me like none other. She can communicate pretty clearly but I have to say "nope" quite often and she is not a fan of that. The lady is a little dramatic and a lot loud.

I spent the past few years learning about contentment and faith. That God provides and I can ask too. Now it seems we are stepping into something new. A time to see what my strengths and passions are and a time to learn patience.

Patience with money and saving, with Nolie and with Charlie's job. Patience with some new opportunities that have presented themselves to me, without much hunting.

I am learning about myself. What am I made for. I adore being a Mom and I think I was truly designed for it, I have always wanted to Mother. But now I am learning about what makes up a mother and how I can use those traits to offer unconditional support to others. Be that in struggling marriages or in new (or not so new) motherhood.

I feel like I am in bloom right now, God is finally (because I have resisted for so long) changing my heart and my thinking in practical non hocus-pocus feeling ways. I am seeing shifts in my thinking and negative thoughts. I feel like the prayers to have my negative voice replaced with His are taking root. This home, this space, is bright and sunny and allowing us the room to grow and fill it up with giggles, fits and love.

I am starting to breath and take some joy in being who I was designed to be. Not just a Mama to Nolie but also a tender of gardens, an unconditional lover of Moms and a passionate advocate for struggling marriages. I am so excited about what more there is to come. Sorry this post is kind of cliche ridden and out there- I have so much rattling around in my head right now and very little sleep. But all I am trying to say is. . . I am excited about pretty much everything.

Hi!

2011-05-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

Hi, I fell off the blog world because we MOVED!

A friend sent me a link to a beautiful little home in a nice neighborhood with an unbelievable rent ( a week ago today). We competed with 15 other couples to be the ones picked for the space, and while it was a little weird to be campaigning for our home, it was SO worth it.

We found out that we got it on Friday and we packed and moved on Saturday (and spent our first night here!) and then finished moving and unpacking on Sunday. Now I am in the trenches arranging where I want each dish and where to hang my pictures.

God is good and gives the best gifts. This place is a little oasis and we are starting fresh here. I can't wait to be settled and for it to all feel like home. I have been praying for a home with all of the amenities this one has (big fenced yard, WD, garden space, big kitchen, low low rent, nice neighborhood, etc.) for two and a half years and on Friday God answered big time. I am so Thankful!

Pictures soon to come!!

monday- reality bites.

2011-05-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

We had a blissful weekend celebrating seven years together. We ate out and enjoyed drinks, we ventured out on our second dinner date since Nolie was born ( I know, we're lame) and it was better than I had hoped for.

(us 7 years ago, unaware that it cost money to live in a house)

However, Monday has arrived and with it a cold bath of reality.

We signed paperwork saying that we would be out of our duplex by the 31st (at noon. . . ). I am feeling that this is equal parts act of faith (right, God?) and stupidity. We love our space (bright and big) but we don't love our neighbors- banging on our door, threatening us because we walk 'too loudly' and play too raucously or our neighborhood- where a man was shot during a drug deal gone awry ( a man who our neighbor called his "Uncle" and had multiple scary vehicles come and drop off huge floral arrangements at his door after the death. . . ). The real nail in the coffin (heh heh, not really) for us came when the property management company let us know (after our incessant calls) that they would be upping the rent, fairly significantly.

So we signed last week. The day we signed marked 20 days till move out and now there are even less. We still have no where to move too and more than that, we don't know of anywhere with a move in date that is soon enough. I am a craigslist troll and an annoying constant caller of PM companies. I have three showings set up on Wednesday and I am praying and hoping my heart out that one of them is the perfect fit I have been dreaming of for the past two years (we have lived in pretty crappy places since I got pregnant). Our budget is low, very low and our hopes are high.

I keep searching, praying, calling and then repeating that process. We actually drove around for an hour yesterday just hunting neighborhoods for "For Rent" signs in the window. We are aching to find a private renter who has a fixer-upper house in a nice neighborhood and needs some free (rent reduced?) labor. Charlie can fix anything and I can mow really well. We would gladly do work, painting, landscaping, anything! To be in a house or a duplex in a nice part of town.

This is hard. It is making me short tempered, annoying and upset all the time. Makes me upset I don't work and make money, makes me bummed that Charlie doesn't get paid a living wage (the median 2bdrm cost in Bellingham for renters is $840 and that is over the tip top of our budget). So, if you think of it, keep us in your thoughts, prayers and craigslist hunting.

I'll keep you updated at to how our cardboard house holds up in roughly 15 days. Hopefully the rain lets up.

at the risk of sounding desperate. . . here is what we are looking for, if you know of any leads! email me- autumnmeyer25@gmail.com

2 bedroom
Washer Dryer
Nice part of town (even out a bit into the county could be OK if the space was big and yard'y)
Yard space would be nice (but not a necessity)
$800 or less (that would be a big stretch for us, but doable)

a reading family.

2011-05-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

Nolie is a reader. I thought that maybe this was just a developmental stage that all kids in her age group go through. I wondered if maybe all little toddlers wanted to sit and read for hours at a time (no joke). But recently I have realized that her love goes further than just a developmental commonality. She isn't just 'into books' she is into reading. Into pointing things out. Into the story that is being told and each silly character. It is one of the first things that I feel like I can really pick out as a personality trait. Something about her that isn't learned or a 'milestone' but something that is true about her- She is a reader.

She comes by this love honestly. Charlie could fall into a book all day, everyday. Long texts don't dissuade him- he is currently tumbling through an 18 book biblical commentary that breaks down each verse and its meanings in Greek-English and the standard translation. He is a reader.

I am a writer. I love to write here. I keep a journal. I jot things down in the middle of the night and I keep a little notebook on me nearly all the time. I have hesitated in the past to say that I am a writer, because I am certainly not a "real" writer, by any stretch. I lack conventions. My word choice is pretty poor and my lack of grammar understanding is laughable. However, I adore to write and along with that comes a love of reading. I go through at least a couple of books a month and one of my favorite things to do is to get lost in a book and a big mug of coffee in bed or at a coffee shop. I am a reader.

My whole family is filled with readers and writers. My Dad is an incredible poet and my Mom could devourer a book a day if given a break. My sister has a beautiful way with words and a crazy understanding of texts that go WAY over my head (Kierkegaard, anyone?). Not to mention my other brother who is a teacher and a voracious reader and learner (he will NEVER stop going to school) and finally, my other brother who read manuals on Bug car maintenance as part of his senior project- and he actually enjoyed it. We are a family of readers.

When I was growing up my Dad would read to me nightly (till I moved out to college). We made it through many classics and some other less conventional pieces as well. I can't help but think all of that reading soaked into my writing.

I would write and write and write for my classes in High School and then hand them over to peers and my Dad for editing (grammar and spelling has always been an issue for me) and as nice as it was, peer editing and my Dad missed huge mistakes frequently. The same things I glossed over, so did my peers- my teachers however? Eyes like a hawk.

Now there are sites, like The Writing Faculty, that you can use to get editing-writing-content and convention help with your pieces. I wish I had used sites like this when I was in High School. It would have saved me a lot of embarrassment over There and Their and all the like once I got to college. And, it may have been a huge help in college too when I was having to churn out ten pages of "quality writing" a week!

I hope we can keep modeling this kind of avid reading to Nolie forever but, admittedly, I get so sick of reading her the same books that often times I try to distract her into playing with something else or reading on her own. I am trying hard to remember that this is a good thing. And that this is building a little writer- with confidence and words!

Our new favorite outing is to the library. She is FINALLY out of that 'everything in the mouth' stage (pretty much) and so we are able to check out books and not worry that she is going to catch every kid in towns cold.

I love getting to know Nolie. I love seeing things in her that I know will be there forever, it is such a joy getting to watch her personality come out and greet me in the most exciting ways.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

This is my third Mother's Day.

I think it is safe to say that they just keep getting better. I am celebrating the day by leaving Nolie for the longest I ever have ( I know, right? On mothers day?! I am such a jerk.) and listening to Ina May speak in Seattle all while spending the day with the best Mom I know, my own.

I am blessed to have an incredible relationship with my Mom. We are a good fit for each other and I don't doubt that I would seek her out for advice, help and relationship even if she wasn't my Mom. I pray that Nolie and I have a relationship filled with as much mutual love, respect and care that my Mom and I have. I try to be caring, loving, honoring and respectful in the ways that my Mom modeled to me. She is my greatest help and motivator in being a great Mama to my own girl. I don't have words for what our relationship is like or filled with- all of the words don't seem significant enough. She knows me. I know her. We just fit well.

Happy Mother's Day Mom, you are the best there will ever be. God gave you a huge gift in your ability to love and parent well, He blessed you with a huge heart for children and I am endlessly grateful for how that pours out on my Nolie every time we are with you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't say it enough or well enough. Words just don't suffice.

Happy Mother's Day!

being (kinda,notreally) poor.

2011-05-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

I cry easily at commercials, birth stories, engagements, wedding and anything with an animal. But I don't typically cry out of anger or embarrassment. If someone makes me upset, I typically tell them. I don't go home and cry about it, I get it out. But for some reason these past few days I just can't hold it together.

A few days ago we headed to Haggan to pick up some grocery essentials. I had one WIC check left for the month but also needed some other foods and dish washing detergent. I knew going into this trip that it meant I would have to be rung up three times. One for WIC, one for Food Stamps (EBT) and then once with my credit card (for the detergent). But up until this visit Nolie has been a gem at the store and I haven't felt shame about eating the government cheese (Tillamook, btw). But this time we had a checker who was mean and a woman behind us who was meaner.

As Nolie arched her back and screamed in protest because I wouldn't let her run out of the front of the store we got more than a few huff's from from the woman behind us. Then as I was attempting to sign the WIC check and offer up my EBT for the rest of the food the checker said "you know you will need your own money for the rest, right?". Then Nolie ran off (my mistake) and the woman behind me pulled the loud whisper, "poor little girl" and I tried to enter my pin as quickly as possible while running off to catch a screeching toddler. We finally finished being rung up for everything and I struggled out with an unhappy baby, three bags of heavy groceries and nothing but pitiful eyes all around me.

Needless to say, I hardly made it to the parking lot before breaking down in tears.

Basically the same thing happened today at the market too and it just felt like too much for one week.

I don't feel ashamed to be using these systems in order to feed my family whole foods (no, we don't go for the 64oz bottle of juice we get monthly for free). But some days I don't feel strong enough to stand up to this. I don't have the words. I don't have the energy. I don't have the sleep and most of all. . . I don't have much of an argument. We are poor because my husband is payed a low amount and I stay home. I don't expect average Joe to understand why me staying home is a priority over living above the poverty level. But I would like the benefit of the doubt. Maybe just stick to a "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" mentality, then we would all be better off.

With mothers day upcoming I would encourage everyone to just be extra nice to moms. Thats all. Assume that they are tired. Beyond tired, actually. Hungry and a little lonely. Extend an extra arm or maybe even go the extra miles and make a hot meal for a mom you know- bonus points if she has a toddler (seriously, they are crazy). And if you are a Mom. Do yourself a favor and take a nap and have a glass of champagne. You are worth it .

matchy girls.

2011-05-05T17:16:00.000-07:00

toms for kids. . . toms wedges

yes.

weight loss novel

2011-05-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life I am losing weight healthily.

Over the past ten years I have dabbled in everything unhealthy when it came to weight loss. From the time I was about 14 I felt like I needed to change something. I have spent countless hours in counseling trying to figure out where this came from, what in me caused this "not good enough" mentality that seems like it runs so deeply that it might just be genetic. The hard part is that I come up empty. My parents are loving, supportive and endlessly complimentary. My husband is sweet and always telling me how lovely, beautiful and bright I am. I don't lack encouragement. I do however lack confidence and that, I believe, has been the crux of my failures.

Here is what I have tried that has gotten me short-term fast success and then piled the weight back on bigger and badder than ever.
1. Excessive working out (working out nonstop, endless classes and cardio- never weight training, hours a day).
2. Not eating.
3. Binging and purging (not in excess but whenever I couldn't "keep myself" from eating).
4. Depression (right after everything happened with Charlie, I dropped about 15 pounds).
5. Weird pills, water pill and green tea pills. Anything else was too scary to me but still. . . ew

Even just listing that out makes me start to sweat (honesty=hard), it is so sad that probably most women have gone to (at least one) of these lengths. All to make their shorts look cuter and their arms more toned. Only, with all of these methods I just felt worse and worse as the pounds dropped off (and drop they did) because I wasn't making choices that were healthy. I wasn't doing anything to stop the crazy. The thoughts raged on. I was still beating myself up daily for "bad foods" or "lazy days". And a big problem was that instead of seeing the whole of myself I just looked at the minutia (just the low side of my thigh, not my leg- that kind of deal) and got sad and upset that I looked so "disgusting". It was impossible to be satisfied because my expectations were unattainable (don't eat, workout enough to burn 3,000 calories).

But Nolie changed all that. When I got pregnant I was in the midst of one of my "workout phases". I had put on some weight after getting married because I was, God forbid, happy and I had just started beating myself up for how my body had changed. Then, I got pregnant and it all fell away. Nolie forced health on me. No drinking, consistent eating, healthy amounts of working out and (most importantly) awe over what my body could do. I felt restored. Those months were incredible. My love for my body grew and grew with every inch on my belly. I loved my bump, I loved the little lady baby inside of it and I knew I would love what all of this gain was creating.

Then Nolie was born and I began breast feeding. The pounds from pregnancy all but fell off (save for about five pesky ones) and I felt incredible. Not to mention I still had to take care of my body in order to keep up my milk supply. I ate regularly, never restricted calorie intake and watched how much caffeine I was consuming. Even more good habits started to form. And better than that, I was watching myself become the person I had always wanted to be- a Mama. I have wanted to be a SAHM forever, I envisioned having a job (career) before becoming a Mom but always just something to pass some years by so that I could stay home with my babies. And the best part is that I am really great at my job. Having a job that I love and take pride in has been paramount in me starting to like myself. And be impressed with what my body can do.

I have been breast feeding a minimum of six times a day for 17 months now (and the past few days it has been nonstop, not so fun). My body has been successfully sustaining Nolie and still keeping me upright for over two years now. Body, I am impressed with you.

However, all this kumbaya about my body would be crap if I didn't tell you that I wanted to make some changes. About two months ago I started getting frustrated that I wasn't feeling strong. I made some goals and saw immediate results in my demeanor. Then I started setting some different goals, some more concrete ones. And now? I am seeing results again. Only this time they aren't just in my demeanor. They are in my habits, my thoughts and my body. I am shedding pounds healthily for the first time. Wow, I need to just write that again. I am shedding pounds healthily for the first time.

How dumb is it that it has taken me ten years of crap and one kid to shake off the shackles of quick fixes and miracle pills. There is no book I can read that will make me love myself. There is no magazine article about belly fat that will revolutionize my workout or my diet. I had to make the choice to start getting to know myself and honor my needs. It has been a great choice. The best motivation comes from being able to keep up better with Nolie and starting to feel like a new-self, a person who loves how strong and capable she is. Exactly the type of model I want Nolie to be around.

This novel of a post is meant to be an update. A celebration of meeting some goals and feeling even more dedicated and excited. Soon I plan to write about the type of working out I am doing- because it is awesome and includes navigating my way through a jungle gym with a couple of other fed up silly Mamas and maybe what I am eating (though it isn't that exciting). Is any of that stuff you would want to read about? Or should we just stick to the main piece of advice I have... drop the magazines and put some time and energy into making yourself feel strong. Be that running or writing, eating healthy or taking yourself out on a coffee date- go fall in like with yourself and then start that process (life long is my guess) of loving yourself.

17

2011-05-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

I was talking with some friends recently about how along with lots of change and upheaval seems to come an inevitable breakdown. Whether that breakdown causes you to drink too much a few nights in a row, kiss someone you wouldn't otherwise, head out of the country for a few months (or more) or makes you sit on the floor and kick and scream- it seems to be a universal thing that goes along with life rearranging. Nolie has to deal with constant change and consequently, so do I.

Nothing that worked for her a few months ago works now. Because her abilities are growing and growing, as is her capacity to understand things. I am left having to scramble to make sure that my explanations and expectations are up to her developmental level. The last thing I want is to be dumbing stuff down for her that she has the capacity to understand. I value talking to her with respect and not assuming she won't "get it". Kids are underestimated constantly and my goal is to keep my expectations and communication with Nolie growing at the same rate as her ever expanding sponge brain.

She is now 17 months and some days old. This month we welcomed in some big changes. The biggest being a toddler bed.

The night before her 17 month day she climbed and, obviously, fell out of her crib at 3 am. We heard the tell-tale thud and came running. It was scary and not something that I wanted to repeat. So the following afternoon Charlie converted her crib into a bed. And thus, a ~~grown up~~ toddler was born.

The deal with the toddler bed is that I want her to not be waking up in the middle of the night and getting out of it to play/fall/freak her freak out. So with this change comes two more (see Mama is heading for a breakdown I think). We are night weaning, and that is hard and heartbreaking (and hormonally wack) and also "sleep training". Meaning, we are taking turns (primarily Charlie) going in and sitting with her and rubbing her back/singing until she falls asleep. We are doing this at every.single.wakeup without nursing (until 5am or later). Nolie is catching on fast, sleeping (much) longer stretches and not asking to nurse at all at night. My mind is blown by how adaptable and quick to accept change she is and how much I have underestimated her abilities.

Her ability to sleep, to not nurse at night and to have the responsibility of putting herself to sleep. She is totally incredible!

Nolie is the best teaching tool that God has ever put into my life. Being a parent has grown me, shocked me and taught me nearly every day. But lately more than ever I am seeing all of the lessons I can learn from her. She is showing me so much about love, friends, change and succumbing to the changes that are swirling around. I need to let myself get caught up but not swept fully away. And, when it all gets to be too much- kick and scream and flail a little. It really seems to go a long way toward not barreling into a full blown freak out.

where was I at 3am?

2011-04-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I was listing to a baby cry in her Papa's arms because we are in the midst of night weaning/ toddler bed training and dying slow deaths over here. But, I realized hulu was live streaming the coverage. . . I tuned in.

And I cried. The bride was beautiful, the boys were handsome and the vows were traditional and sweet. Her Father taking her hand and placing it in her princes hand was almost too much for me. I am not one for disney, and we don't buy or talk princess around these parts. But this morning I did show Nolie that photo and say- That is a princess.

And promptly started crying again.

goal setting.

2011-04-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

my favorite weight to lift

1. I don't eat whole meals.
3. I don't drink enough water.
4. I drink too much coffee.

Number one is the real killer. I munch all.day.long and never sit down and eat a meal. Consequently I am always hungry and grabbing whatever I can and never taking the time for a meal. This is with the exception of dinner, because we all sit down and eat together. I realized today that part of why I don't do it is because of my awful self talk and worth problems. I don't feel worth the time and energy to make a meal in the middle of the day. I don't want to "waste" the ingredients on just me. I want to save them for dinner time. Instead of roasting some veggies and making quinoa in the middle of the day I end up eating a few spoonfuls of peanut butter, some crackers, an insane number of carrots and a huge amount of hummus. None of those are bad foods, but none of them constitute a meal. However they do rack up an insane amount of calories.

I am starting with posting goals. I am a big fan of goals, short term and long term. I like achieving things and being able to check off a list. So here is my goal for the next month.

To eat meals purposefully. And, to be specific and concrete: To continue a food journal for a full month.

I am hoping that if I can see what meals look like, what portions look like and be accountable to it all then maybe I will start to see a change in my body and (even better) feel a change in my head and heart.

I have signed up for this race with a group of Mamas in my town, I am so excited and terrified (check out the obstacle list)! This has given me renewed motivation at the gym. I have something I am training for, and I love that. These past two weeks I have been dedicated to going and my pace is getting faster and faster and I can tell I am getting stronger. I am trying so hard to not be discouraged by my clothes not fitting differently and the scale not budging and focusing on how much stronger I am getting. It is still an uphill battle for me to see this as a fight for my health and future and not a fight for smaller jeans and cute arms, but I am slowly moving toward that. And seeing any progress in that direction is a huge win for me.

This stuff has been on my mind and takes up too much space, I shouldn't let body woes occupy so much time and energy. Does anyone else struggle with this need for goals and motivation in order to feel like you can conquer this? I so often feel like I should have outgrown this by now, my teenage insecurities should be all waved away now that I am knocking down the door of 25. And yet? They persist. I feel better since having Nolie (weird, right?) but still have a daily battle with the mirror and my thoughts. Do you?

Getting Dressed {seven}

2011-04-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

We have been spending nearly every evening at the park recently. Nolie is at the age that she enjoys it and plays hard. We are having SO much fun playing with her and watching as she learns to climb up and slide down. Seeing how far off she will run and explore (far is the answer) before she looks back to find us. Her favorite things to do at the park are to point out dogs and babies (all kids=babies) and tell us about them. It is adorable. She sleeps better after a little fresh air. And really, who doesn't? So each evening we voyage off to a new park. There are seemingly endless options in our small town and finding the ones with the best play grounds for her developmental stage has become a lot of fun. Tonight we went to a park just a few minute bike ride from out house. It isn't the best area but the sun was bright and warm, the kids were friendly and Nolie had a blast.

When we came home I saw that the tulips next to our home were budded out and opening up so I picked a few for our table tomorrow and Charlie snapped some pictures of my outfit. He told me that this outfit made him want to marry me all over again in a barn with hanging lanterns and twinkling lights. I caught a romantic one.

Happy (nearly) Easter!

On me: On Nolie:

dress and cardigan: anthropologie (gift!) Dress: hand-me-down
tights: target Top: Cotton Caboodle (gift!)
boots: frye (gift!) Tights: Hanna Andersson
necklace: handmade

Also, I am kinda big time enjoying having a reason to play at the park too.

I feel like I have been writing fluff recently. That isn't my style. I guess, I just have been feeling a little shy lately. I worry that the things I have to say might not be all that well received and consequently, in fear of offending some group or another, I have just been holding still and silent. I think I need to stop that.

Good Friday

2011-04-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

Not sure how biblically sound this is. . . and this is a little more christian out there than I would typically post. . . but, here it is.

I just keep feeling weepy and sad today, Good Friday. Coming at this day from a parent perspective I am overwhelmed with heart break. Thinking of how this day would feed for God, sending his Son to die and suffer for our sakes.

I just hug Nolie harder and harder today, being totally incapable of understanding sacrifice. I guess I just will sit in this empathy (can you have empathy for God? am I being super blasphemous?) and feel so much deep joy at what God gave for us.

And know that I will celebrate, dance and feel deeper joy with a new understanding come Sunday.

Sentimental

2011-04-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

I am not sentimental. I don't keep much, this blog serves as Nolie's baby book. Charlie writes me notes and cards and for the most part they just float around until I end up using the back for a grocery list and then eventually it finds the recycling bin. But recently I shocked myself and saved something. Nolies hair from her first cut. It is taped to a picture on our refrigerator (weird enough for you?).

My parents offered to pay for Nolies first cut as a gift, a generous and sweet gift. We went down, a few weeks back, and she got to do the whole deal. Sit in a chair shaped like a car, get glitter rained down on her after it was all done and best of all I got a picture and lock of her hair as a keepsake, one I actually kept.

After she got it cut she seemed so old. Looked like a little girl and no longer just a baby. There is not much I will keep but the pictures I snap of Nolie are near and dear to me. Her as a little wormy baby on the examining table just minutes after she was born. Her staring into Charlie's eyes as they check each other out for the very first time. The first photos of her standing on her own. The first time she walked toward me. Going down the slide all on her own.

These are my keepsakes, pictures that I am sure I will tell the stories of over and over again. Stories I know she will love to hear and eventually tell as though she remembers them.

Glad again

2011-04-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

These things are making me exceedingly glad today.

1. The laundry is all done. All of it!
2. When Nolie finished her morning nurse she signed thank you and grinned at me, totally unsolicited. And I cried.
3. I Can't Help Falling in Love by Ingrid Michaelson is making me weepy and so happy.
4. The sun was warm and bright today. I threw open all the windows and dusted, vacuumed, swept and scrubbed our house till it was shining, all while Nolie played happily in her teepee.
5. Charlie gets off early on Tuesdays.
6. An extra long nap.
7. All of the Deschanel girls.
8. Getting excited about celebrating Easter with my little family. Making treats, talking about what Easter means to us and for us every day and putting Nolie in a puffy dress.
9. My husband holding my hand on an impromptu walk to an empty park to play in the sun.
10. My family. All these girls just slay me. (none of these pictures are particularly perfect and I think that is part of the charm for me.)

What is making you glad today?

in betweaner.

2011-04-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

There is this phase with kids, the glory days, when babies are neither totally dependent or completely mobile. It is bliss.

These were the glory days.

After that phase comes the one that Nolie is currently residing. The one where she can (almost)run, (almost)jump, (almost)talk and (totally)fall off of and trip on everything. I feel like we are simultaneously living in toddlerhood while still living on the edge of babydom. She can't do the things that a toddler would do (play at the park without some SERIOUS parent involvement, color for long amounts of time, play, play dough without eating half, be tall enough to reach into a water table, ect.) but she isn't interested in the play that a non toddler would do ( sit with me while I stack the blocks again and again, read the same board book over and over, be worn and talked to about the day to day).

She is also going though a clingy "mama only" stage that is really out of the norm for us. Initially I thought it was tied to our night time changes but I am thinking now that it has to do with having more independence and her decrease in nursing. She is nursing about four times a day now and that is a huge-giant-significant difference than where we were at a few months back. That, coupled with shorter night nurses is affecting her in a cuddle-me-now sort of way.

In some ways I like it. I love to be holding her and cuddling her, so much. It makes the times that she does play independently even more precious and exciting. However a big part of me is having this "get offa me now!" feeling that I am fighting. I trying to remember that I will miss this, soon.

The weird part is that I can feel that soonness in a big, huge, imminent kind of way. We are getting closer and closer to not nursing during the day (we will hold onto a night and morning nurse for a long time though, I am fairly certain), per her leading and I am feeling like maybe I am ready too. I am by no means encouraging it to end sooner, I love nursing (a lot, still) but I am excited to see what full blown toddlerhood looks like and wondering just how much nursing will be a part of our toddler picture.

This time is really hard. She is nonstop moving and going. Nonstop danger and climbing. Her favorite thing to do, whenever I am in the kitchen, is to climb on top of the kitchen table and sit on it. . .

I know we are nearing a new phase and I am psyched. I feel Summer season approaching and with it Nolie will be more full-blown-kid. But right now it is feeling tough and trying.

"They" say that the Terrible Two's is misnamed and hits more around 18 months and we busy knocking on the 18 month door. While I hate that naming of this stage and I do think we can try to circumvent it as much as possible, there is a reality that she will most likely have an epic meltdown in a Target isle or throw food at me or bite her best friend and I will have to figure out how to handle it. And, understatement of the year, I am not looking forward to it.

This post lacks any real direction. . . I just want to document this in between time. The time where my baby not all baby and not all kid. A time where we are seeming like weeks from weaned one afternoon and then like I have a giant newborn come the next morning. I am trying to soak it up as a time to learn about patience and consistency and not a time to want to entertain her with (endless amounts of) TV and zone out- though I am VERY tempted.

my big girl.

happy climber.

ps. yes, I cried picking out those pictures. She is such a little girl now.

uncanny

2011-04-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

Freaky, right?

I birthed a character, for sure.

sleep update: what is working!

2011-04-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

I am sitting at my computer looking out my window, at snow(yeah, we have snow on April 14th in the PNW), and enjoying a cup of coffee. All is quiet and still. The baby sleeps.

She hasn't been sleeping well for the past 16 months. And two nights ago we decided that changes needed to be made for every ones sake.

Nolie has gotten into the habit of nursing for hours (1-3) at a time each time she wakes at night. It was OK for a bit, but after a month or so of it I had hit my breaking point. So I started to unlatch her at random once I felt too tired (about 1.5 hours). This left her irate. I would hand her to Charlie and she would scream and cry real tears and protest and protest until I allowed her to latch back on, and I always did. Only then? She was too awake and couldn't fall back asleep so she would pull off and cry for at least another two hours before she would be either hungry enough or tired enough to nurse back to sleep again. It was a mess and a sad state for both of us. On the upside, she was taking stellar naps.

So I began researching, again, and again and again (I have read SO much about sleep at this point). I know about Weissbluth, Ferber, Pantley and more but nothing really fit with us and how we wanted to approach this problem. This guy was the closest and we have taken a lot of what he suggests but modified it because Nolie doesn't sleep with us.

But the other thing that we have been doing is talking to her. Talking about growing up and not needing to eat all night. Talking about helping her body get rest and grow (there is some concern that part of why she is so little is because she isn't getting long sleep chunks and times of inactivity). I also had to come to terms with not being Nolies friend, I know that she wants to nurse and that it makes her happy. I also know that sleep and quality nursing would make her healthier and (eventually) happier too. A smart Mama told me, "you are not her friend, you are her Mama" and I believe that firmly. Nolie will have endless friends in her life but only one Mama. I want her to enjoy being with me and being loved by me but I am always going to be different than a friend. With this sleep dilemma I had to come to terms with that. That said, not being her friend does not mean leaving her to her crib to figure it out on her own. I wouldn't do that to a friend, let alone to my daughter.

I think the main thing that is making this work is the 'slow and steady approach'. A friend texted me recently, about our sleep stuff, staying "slow and steady wins the sleeping in" and seriously? she couldn't have been more right. Here I am at nearly 9am enjoying coffee and carrot bread having only nursed twice in the night and it didn't include hours of crying for my babe or have to endure endless night nursing. Last night wasn't the best. She was awake for nearly two hours but all two hours were spent in her crib- not nursing and not crying (Charlie sang, patted, rubbed her back, and just sat with her). I know that the route we are taking won't yield the three night success that CIO comes with. But there is a lot to be said for feeling good about your choices in the morning. And this morning? I feel very, very good. And I have a feeling Nolie and her little rested self will too.

some days she is just too cool to sleep.

Visit me!

2011-04-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am handing out my two cents about parenting over at Sometimes Sweet today! I couldn't be more excited, I adore this blog and am honored that she is posting this.

Go check it out!

Put a Smile On

2011-04-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

Every morning I have to make a very conscious choice to not be a big mope. I think that my default would be to feel sad and low. I am tired. I don't fit into my pants the way I want to. The scale at the gym won't budge down and the millage on the treadmill won't climb up. Nolie is far, far from sleeping though the night and I constantly want to be drinking a coffee the size of my head. When I hear her first cries in the morning (the first since two hours before when she nursed) I try hard to choose joy. To repeat the words in my head that my Grandma used to say "pip, pip, it could be worse". That might not seem like the most uplifting phrase to dwell on but it does wonders for me most mornings.

I think most of the time our culture teaches us that we should feel happy and seek that 'happy feeling' no matter what, I disagree with this in a pretty huge way. Often the stuff that makes us grow can royally suck and yet, to get to the growth you have to live through it. Some days it feels like I am just living though it, but I am realizing more and more that I feel that mainly because I don't choose to dwell on the joy that is there. I want immediate-easy happiness not a joy (or, heaven forbid- a love) that has to be chosen. So I am embarking on choosing joy each morning and trying to ooze that out on Nolie too.

And truly, everything could be so much worse. My problems are drops in the bucket compared to most and when I take a moment to breath and calm myself around what I do have instead of what I feel I lack. A smile can slowly, with some effort, spread across my face.

I adore my family. I don't just love them, I intensely like them too. We are such a big pile of mutual adoration that we are, often times, totally obnoxious. Along with thinking about my family I try to focus on what I want to pass down to Nolie. I want her to see that even in the struggles and suffering of our day to day lives that there is so much joy, should you choose to see it and embrace it.

Here is my Glad List for today (and hopefully a new one will be up every Tuesday)
(anyone catch that, somewhat embarrassing, reference)

1. Nolie's dainty bites when she eats anything. Little lady bites only.
2. Dance parties to show tunes while Nolie eats and I clean
3. Nap time and a new book to read while she rests
4. Nolie yelling "goo car goo" and telling the checker at TJ's that she has "nacks and moo mil" (snacks and cows milk) in the cart.
5. Teaching Nolie to smile big when I ask her to "put a smile on"

I think that smiling even when you aren't feeling it can be a good way to turn a funk around. All that said, there are days that being sad is the way to feel. I just have to remind myself that not every day is one of those days.

I am in big-smooshy-annoying love with this picture.

Sisters Edition- Getting Dressed {six}

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{image heavy post}

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double. ~Toni Morrison

You can kid the world. But not your sister. ~Charlotte Gray

Children of the same family, the same blood, with the same first associations and habits, have some means of enjoyment in their power, which no subsequent connections can supply... ~Jane Austen, Mansfield Park, 1814

A ministering angel shall my sister be.-William Shakespeare

I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage.

Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.

-Maya Angelou

on me:

under dress: nordies

top dress: my sisters

tights: nordies

boots: frye

scarf: made by my incredible crafty friend

on her:

sweater: hand-me-up

dress: mine

tights: nordies

boots: frye'ish boots from Target

We miss you already. Love you sweet Summer.

my degree

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I attended a four year university and got my BA in English Creative Writing- emphasis in creative Nonfiction.

{me on my Graduation Day}

Up until today I had never had a piece of my writing, fiction or otherwise, posted anywhere that I hadn't done it myself. I didn't submit to literary journals because I lack(ed) the confidence. I didn't read aloud unless if was for a grade because of fear and worry that I wouldn't be well received.

I graduated five months pregnant and chalked my degree up to four years of learning about something I loved. But something that would go, completely, unused. Until now.

Today a piece that I wrote is published on a website that I actually enjoy reading. A piece that I believe in and want out there as a means of encouragement to other Moms. And more than that, it is a piece that I submitted and put out there knowing that it could get totally shut down. But, it didn't. It got picked.

Today I used my degree.

I love blogging and am starting to realize that posting here, even though it is me who pushes 'publish', is a way that I am using my degree and finding some big time fulfillment in my days (I am not embarrassed to admit that I find fulfilment in blogging. Do you?). I love reading other peoples blogs. I adore my real life friends, but I also have a special spot for my blogging buddies and those who's sites I frequent. I have spent time being embarrassed about blogging. But no more, I like it. I love it. And I am going to make it a bigger priority in my life. Because how often do you find something you love to do that is quiet and can be done during nap time and connects you with other really awesome people and doesn't cost any money?? Very, very rarely my friends.

So thanks for reading. And if you want to see the post that got up on The Natural Parents Network, check it out!

Sneak Peek

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My sister visited this last weekend, and we got a little crazy.

This is our 90's band cover art shot.

I just got done reading Water for Elephants- this is our circus freak photo op.

and here we're just being cute.

I am more than a little excited to put together my next fashion post with some dorky photos from our excursion around Downtown Bham!

getting Dressed {five}

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A day at the park.

On Nolie: Everything she has on has been gifted on handed down!

Sweatshirt: American Apparel

Top: Cotton Caboodle

Shorts: Gap

Leggings: Hanna Andersson

Shoes: Hand-me-down

Spring has sprung, for today, in Bellingham and it seemed like the whole town lit up with the Vitamin D. I spent the morning hauling my butt all around a park with Nolie in her BOB while we attended our first Stroller Strides class. It killed me more than I would like to admit.

The rest of the day- from 11-4 was spent in epic nap battle. It was ugly. I spent from 11-1ish doing some version of nurse-laydown-wakeup-ergo-nurse-wakeup-on and on and on till finally at about one she relented and fell asleep in the ergo as long as I bounced just right and didn't dare move her. She then proceeded to sleep that way till nearly 4pm. It was good she slept. . . but, seriously?? Almost three hours of bouncing in place?? I don't even want to talk about it.

However I did watch this, and that passed the time. And yes, I am embarrassed about it.

But this afternoon we met some friends after Charlie got off work and we headed down to the water and a park. It was the perfect way to shake the nap attack off.

On me:

Sweatshirt: Anthropologie

Top: Madewell

Skirt: F21

Tights: Nordstroms (ancient)

Boots: Frye

Tomorrow my sister and her friend are coming into town for a visit. I am SO excited. We are going to go out for drinks, shop the farmers market, possibly do some crafting and sewing and, obviously, have a fabulous time. Hopefully we take endless photos and I can share some here!

Happy (almost) weekend!

PS. When I reread my Money post I realized that I came off sounding like I don't get any accolades or encouragement at all. And that is far, far from the truth. My husband is very supportive and doesn't hesitate to tell me. He tells me (daily) how well I am doing at being a Mama and how appreciative and thankful he is that I am willing to do this job, and do it well. I think I just get bogged down in not having all of that outside appreciation that came along with a job with other adults seeing me all day long. Just to clarify!

Playing House- Full Time

Holiday Comforts-Wasail!

Merry (it isn't yet) Christmas

Week Seventeen (update your readers if you need to!)

Yarn Wreath {giveaway too!}

Christmas gift making. . . easy DIY

Big News!

{SOS} One last outfit

birthday planning

Fall Fashion Week {the end}

eating the spoils.

Fall Fashion Week {day six}

Fall Fashion Week {day five}

Fall Fashion Week {day four}

Fall Fashion Week {day three}

Fall Fashion Week {day two}

Fall Fashion Week {day one}

slow growth.

LOVE

nursing Nolie (nearly two)

end of summer

I have been a big liar.

the awkward bump will reign.

memories.

Have Mercy!

date night

roles.

figgering on biggering and biggering and biggering. . .

What's Mama Growing?

schooling.

(nearly) reared its ugly head.

um, AWESOME!

No heat curls!

SummaSummaSumma Summer Time!

judging doesn't make me thankful.

the Five Minute Date

settling.

hair help!

on my heart.

Getting Dressed {eleven}

you take me the way I am.

How could I forget??

motherhood induced claustrophobia

turn around.

Getting Dressed {ten}

excited again!

blogging break.

Eat It!

Happy 4th of July!

more than content.

snapshots.

entitlement {budget}

Getting Dressed {nine}

seven year itch.

daily life.

all together now.

Christian Mama friends. . .

proof of evolution.

weekend update.

this just happened. . .

big love.

um, scary.

aging.

romance.

Don't say no to hand-outs {budget}

you are in charge.

don't forget me when you're famous

work load.

Getting Dressed {eight}

Welcome Home

In abundance.

Hi!

monday- reality bites.

a reading family.

Mother's Day

being (kinda,notreally) poor.

matchy girls.

weight loss novel

17

where was I at 3am?